The State Of Monkey Crap

The Minnesota department of tourism has released a new video that is designed to lure athletes to Minnesota. I don't have the actual video, but here's the transcript of it.

[The ad starts on a football field. Little Timmy just got his butt whooped by the bigger, stronger teammates and sits down on a bench.]

Announcer: What's the matter, Timmy?
Timmy: I'm no good at sports. I try really hard, but I can't beat anybody.
Announcer: Have you ever thought of coming to Minnesota?
Timmy: Minnesota? Gee whiz, I can't say I have!
Announcer: Well you're in luck. In Minnesota, nobody can play sports worth a lick. The state hasn't seen a championship in anything since 1991. The secret is that even if they do win a championship on a smaller level, they stop playing and get nervous, allowing you to dominate.

[Cuts to Timmy in Minnesota, plowing over Joe Mauer, sacking Brett Favre, dunking on Kevin Love, and whooping Mikko Koivu's ass in a hockey fight.]
Timmy: WOW! You were right, these guys are going to be great for my career.
[Timmy winks at the camera and it fades to black.]

Yes, even you and I could dominate a Minnesota sports team right now, professional or collegiate. It doesn't matter. The state's sports scene is officially in chaos. Want me to prove it? Take a look for yourself.

Minnesota Twins - The Twins won the American League Central championship and then promptly shut it down for a week and a half. When the Twins turned the on switch again, they were proved to be a cute little baseball team. I still can't talk about this team without dropping a F-Bomb. Some day I will and I'll post a season wrap-up column. Not today.

Minnesota Wild - People still love this team because it's the "State of Hockey." It doesn't matter if the Wild are 20 games under the even mark, the drones will continue to go to the Xcel Energy Center. The minor league affiliates are bare, and there are no playmakers at the parent club. Things don't look good.

Minnesota Timberwolves - They're on the up, but at this point they're still bad. I don't know what to say about them. The coach is feuding with the best player and keeping him on the bench in key situations. Not to mention they may wind up getting royally screwed with the Ricky Rubio situation.

Minnesota Golden Gopher Football - Only evidence I need.

Minnesota Vikings - The team is run by a moron and a diva. They go for it on fourth down at really bad times which cost them the game AND despite the fact the team is loaded at most positions, they still underachieve at 2-5.

The state is reaching historical levels of craptacularness. When you think about it there could be three (!!!) coaching changes this season.

It's like my childhood hero The Rock once said:

"It looks like a big monkey walked down this ramp and out popped [insert Minnesota sports team here]."