The New Most Hated Twin

It was a snowy January afternoon at the Twins offices at Target Field, and Ron Gardenhire sat at his desk. Chewing on a toothpick, he looked across the table and the conversation started.

Gardy: Well, it looks like this is the end, huh?
Nick Punto: Oh, come on Gardy! It'll never be the end. Mr. Smith loves my hustle, my determination, and my grit. I'll battle my tail off before they ever let me leave.
Gardy: That's just it, Nick. They're not bringing you back. I went into Bill's office last week. I battled my tail off to get you back, and he just laughed at me.
Punto: But what am I going to do?
Gardy: Well, there's going to be other teams that will want your defense and your hustle. But they'll never love you the way I love you.

At that point, Gardy hugged Punto and held him ever so gently. Then Punto threw Gardy on the table and...

Woah, that got out of control. But when Punto walked out that more, it did more than just put this song on repeat in Gardy's office, it meant that Twins fans had to look for a new player to hate.

I've said this before, but a man once told me that there is one player on every team you cheer for that you just can't stand. For example, this man hated former Vikings linebacker Dontarrious Thomas that his kids thought his first name was literally "@#$%!"

For many Twins fans, Punto was that guy. They were sick of hearing how Punto "battled his tail off" and "made up for his size with grit and great defense." When the Twins lost, it was somehow Nick Punto's fault. I was one of those fans.

So, I started thinking. Who else could I hate that much? Well, there's the pitching staff. Scott Baker, Nick Blackburn, and Kevin Slowey all make me want to projectile vomit in every direction when I see them toss a 89 mile per hour fastball with no movement down the middle of the plate, and then have it ripped 500 feet in the opposite direction, but surprisingly, it's not them.

It's another man that Gardy views as the face of the Minnesota Twins. Another man who is a giant cheerleader in the clubhouse...that man is Michael Cuddyer.

Think about the similarities to Nick Punto. First, Cuddy is SHOCKINGLY OVERPAID!!!! His 12 million dollar salary for the things he does is absolutely ridiculous and that brings me to my next points.

Cuddyer is the "Master of the Solo Bomb." He never hits home runs with guys on base, and he never hits bombs when the Twins need it. He is the complete opposite of a clutch player because...

He strikes out at an ALARMING rate...

And he hits into double plays at a RIDICULOUS pace...

He's also the cheerleader in the clubhouse now with Punto gone. Cuddy hands out T-Shirts to every member each year with a corny cliche on them. In 2008, the T-Shirts said 162+. This year, the shirt says "Win" and "Don't be denied."

Vomit everywhere...EVERYWHERE!!!

And mostly of all, he has the attitude that has held the Twins back from winning a single playoff game since 2002. He considers the season to be a success if the Twins win the American League Central, instead of getting destroyed in three straight games by the New York Yankees. This happens so much that when a player doesn't think that's a success and wants more, ala Danny Valencia and Carl Pavano, Cuddyer fines him in the Kangaroo Court, which he is in charge of somehow.

So if you have the urge to boo Cuddyer when he grounds into another rally-killing or game ending double play or strikeout, I simply can not blame you. Be careful, Mikey. You're in my crosshairs.

Crishad's Projected Wrestlemania Card

Leave it to me to make a Wrestlemania card at the absolute last second, but we now know the main events for Wrestlemania 27. I will say that some of my predictions are fueled by the Bleacher Report, which had 10 crazy predictions for Wrestlemania 27. Chances are if you're reading this, you'll enjoy reading that too.

So, judging by all the facts...or supposed facts, this is what I think the WWE is planning for it's biggest PPV of the year.

WWE Championship: The Miz vs. John Cena
This match is official after The Miz defeated Jerry "The King" Lawler, and John Cena won the Raw Elimination Chamber match. It was also hinted at by WM guest host The Rock last Monday when he made his surprising return. It's not the mind-blowing, usual WM main event that we're accustomed to, but I have to guess that The Rock will get involved in some way, shape, or form. (Special referee, enforcer, etc.) This will be the match that will be billed as the "real main event". Kinda sad, but the WWE is trying to add younger superstars into the main stage which should benefit them in the long run. Interesting note? John Cena has won a championship (WWE or World Heavyweight Championship) in 5 of the last 6 Wrestlemanias. Just like a 9 year old kid, the booking crew loves John Cena.

World Heavyweight Championship: Alberto Del Rio vs. Edge vs. Christian
ADR won the Royal Rumble to "earn" the opportunity, but after Edge won the Smackdown Elimination Chamber match, ADR attacked Edge and out came Captain Charisma, returning from a pectoral injury suffered in a match with ADR. The Triple Threat match is set, and it could be a really good one. The Bleacher Report predicted this and it makes sense. The WWE is lacking good top heels at the moment. What if, during the match Christian hits the Killswitch on ADR and is moments away from his "Wrestlemania Moment". Then Edge screws him over, wins the belt and regains his "Rated-R Superstar" bit, setting up...Edge VERSUS Christian. I have a feeling a lot of people would like to see that.

Jerry "The King" Lawler vs. Michael Cole
Last night, after The Miz defeated King, Michael Cole, reprising his Joe Buck gimmick perfectly, raised The Miz's arm in victory. This is something that won't sit too well with Lawler, and boom! King gets his WM moment by knocking the hell out of Michael Cole.

The Undertaker vs. Kane...or Wade Barrett...OR STING???
Ok, so this might get a little bit odd, but hear me out. The obvious match for the Undertaker, who will return tonight after being "buried alive" for the 8th time, would be against Kane who defeated the Undertaker in the Buried Alive match...but...it was the Nexus who helped Kane win the match, who at the time was lead by Wade Barrett. But here's the outside of the box thought...

Many people have said that the person in the "2-21-11" promos have not looked like the Undertaker. Well, last week we saw the Undertaker in the promos, but we haven't seen anything from the guy outside the house. Could it be a second person? And who else wears a trenchcoat? Sting does...and he just signed a one year deal with the WWE. It could be that Taker was in his house looking out for someone stalking around the house...and that Sting could be the man outside the house. I assume we'll know more about Taker's match tonight.

John Morrison vs. Sheamus
This could go several ways. They're going to want Morrison and Sheamus to fight, because they've had a series of great matches over the past couple of months. (At the PPV last night, Morrison scaled the top of the dome monkey bars style, and landed a crazy flip while swinging off the top of the dome. As a sidenote, Morrison is must see action everytime he steps in the ring. He also scaled the sides of the dome last night and landed Matrix-style kicks. If it weren't for his furry boots, he'd probably be a WWE champion. I'm sure that's in his future though. They could also stick Daniel Bryan and/or Kofi Kingston into the mix and have some sort of weird championship match. (Remember, Money in the Bank will NOT be at this year's WM)

Randy Orton vs. CM Punk
Another great match on the horizon. Punk has ascended to being the best heel on TV right now, and Orton is being pushed into the role of the next Stone Cold Steve Austin (minus beer drinking, it's a PG show folks). This would resolve the Punk vs. Nexus thing.

Tag Team Championship: Santino Marella/Vladamir Kozlov vs. The Corre (Gabriel and Slater) vs. The Nexus (Otunga/McGilicuddy)
I think the Corre battles the Nexus somehow and this would make sense. You throw the ex-Tag Champs in there for comedic relief (COBRA) and boom. The match wouldn't last long because the WWE doesn't know how to run a tag match if their life depended on it.

Diva Battle Royal
Eve wants to take on new comers. So, you throw all of them in the ring, get it down to the power four (Eve, LayCool, Beth Phoenix) and everyone walks home happy cause they got their eye candy for the night.

Ezikiel Jackson vs. The Big Show
"Big Zeke" has been bodyslamming the Big Show for weeks. Now he'll try and do it in a match. It's stiff vs. stiffer.

Of course, many other things could happen as WM gets closer. It will be interesting to see where this road to Wrestlemania leads fans.

The Match of the Decade?

I sat in my living room, disappointed as usual with Monday Night Raw. Throughout the two hour period, I had endured a worthless John Cena promo, more talk about how great The Miz is (although, I've heard he's awesome), a bad Divas match (but what do you expect?), and the Khali kiss cam before the main event of Sheamus vs. Randy Orton.

So, it was easy to believe that the guest host announcement of Wrestlemania XXVII would end in a "REALLY?" kind of way. As a matter of fact, when the limo pulled up and a woman's foot appeared, I groaned (although, I guessed it was Stephanie McMahon, which could have paved the way for a return by Triple H.).

And then it came...the lights proceded to go out throughout the Honda Center in Anaheim until the entire arena went dark and then...

"IF YA SMELLLL...WHAT THE ROCK...IS COOKIN!"

And there he was as the crowd roared in excitement as The People's Champ made his way to the ring. I couldn't help but scream hysterically like i was 14 once again. For the next 20 minutes, I was more entertained by a WWE promo than anything I've heard in the past 3 years. (Probably since the Shawn Michaels/Chris Jericho feud in which he said "I'll retire, but just so you know, you will never be the showstopper!")

If there is one thing to take out of this. The Rock. Still. Has. It.

But that raises a question. Does he have it in the ring? Yeah, I know. The Rock is the guest host of Wrestlemania, but if he came back does this mean that The Rock finally agreed to come back for one more match? And if so, that match will be against John Cena.

Think about this...nine years ago, The Rock went into Toronto to face Hulk Hogan in a "Icon vs. Icon" match. The match wasn't expected to do much, but it tore the house down and it "passed the torch" to The Rock. A Cena/Rock match could have the same effect.

Casual wrestling fans would order Wrestlemania to see The Rock fight one more time. The current crop would love to see John Cena shut this "newcomer" up. (They probably think Kofi Kingston could beat the great one.) It would be great.

The build up would be legendary. You have two of the best wrestlers on the mic ever going head to head in awesome tongue lashing battles. The Rock proved that tonight by calling Michael Cole "a drunk hobbit" and saying "You can't see me? What the hell? Are you playing peek-a-boo or something?"

Personally, this is a dream match. After seeing all the little kids flock to John Cena, I would love to see The Rock...ahem...take his boot, shine it up real nice, turn that sum-bitch sideways and stick it straight up his candy ass! The crowd would be ridiculously into it. I'm sure you've heard the "Let's Go Cena! CENA SUCKS!" chants? Think of them on a 10x greater scale.

The match would be so big, I would actually care who won. Why? Because my hero is better than your hero little kids. Yeah, Cena has had his moments when he was a rapper. Like his diss on Eddie Guerrero. ("Tell your cousin at Taco Bell to quit handing me the mild sauce.") But recently, he's been awful. I've been wanting him to get booed for a long time, and this might just do it.

So let's hope this happens. Let's hope that this doesn't turn into a simple get together in the middle of the ring and "Oh, I'm sorry for what I said out of the ring." Yes, I know it's fake, but as one guy once said. "IT'S STILL REAL TO ME DAMMIT!"

Spring Training Thoughts: The Minnesota Twins

Well, here we are at Valentine's Day 2011. First, I would like to say that I hope you didn't get your special someone a vaccuum cleaner for the special day, because she will kick your ass if you did. Chocolates may be a bad thing too. Think about it. She might assume you want her to pork up...but if you don't get her chocolates she's suddenly fat. That folks is why I'm single...

(insert Ed Helms...) "Oh so that's why you're single? Good to knooow...."

Seriously, when I start thinking about it, today really isn't that bad. Crishadamania XXV is in two months from today. And more importantly, pitchers and catchers report in two short days for the cute and cuddly Minnesota Twins.

Awwww...what better team to talk about on such a loving Valentine's day than the Minnesota Twins. Besides, that's what the Yankees think of them. I think that when they play the Yankees, they sit in the clubhouse and say this...

Derek Jeter: Look at those Twins, they're so cute!
Alex Rodriguez: I know, that's cuter than Cameron Diaz shoving popcorn into my fat face!
Joe Girardi: I just think it's adorable how Ron over there says battle your tails off!

Complete with Girardi coming out to the meeting with the umpires and patting Gardy on the head saying "You're a cute little baseball team. Oh yes you are...YES...YOU...ARE!"

Ok, I gotta admit. I'm still bitter about what happened last October. It wasn't that the Twins lost in the first round, it was HOW they lost in the first round. If the Twins had manned up and pushed the Yankees to the brink (and a game 5 at Target Field), would we have such a bad taste in our mouth? But that's not what happened.

What happened was that after Michael Cuddyers bomb into the spruce trees in Game 1, the Twins bent over and took their beating. I think Jesse Crain might have said to Mark Texiera "Thank you sir, may I have another?" as he was rounding the bases after his Game 1 bomb.

Hunter Wendelstedt may have made a bad call in Game 2, but the Twins didn't say "Well, the ump doesn't want us to win? @#$% him!" They rolled over again.

And in Game 3...ohhh in Game 3, they just acted like a girl who just met Ben Roethlisberger in a public bathroom...

Yes, I'm still mad. But, that's the great thing about baseball. Like the new weather outside (45 degrees in February!!!), the new season always breathes new life and optimism in their fan bases. (Yes, even the Pirates and Royals fans too)

However, there are some concerns when it comes to the Twins.

First, and foremost, two of the three important building blocks are coming off of season-ending injuries. There's the obvious in Justin Morneau, who has taken quite a beating after sustaining a concussion July 7, 2010 in Toronto. Morneau's recovery has been slow, and frustrating as his brain has felt the wear and tear of playing hockey in Canada. But for the Twins to do anything, Morneau must be at 100%.

Here's a crazy stat for you. Justin Morneau debuted in 2003. Since then, the Twins have played in 15 playoff games. Morneau has played in three. If Morneau comes back with a vengeance, the Twins could win the Central, but if he doesn't...it could be another three and out or worse.

In the bullpen, Joe Nathan is coming back from Tommy John surgery, but as big of a deal it is for any pitcher to have TJS, it's a smaller risk for relievers.

First, Nathan's tear was complete. No fraying of the ends, and the ligament was in good shape. This wasn't a wear and tear deal where the ligament just blew out. This was just one pitch that cut the tendon in half. His elbow is presumably in good shape, and Nathan didn't even need to have the ligament replaced.

Second, Nathan was reportedly throwing at 91-92 mph in a bullpen session in Tennessee over the weekend. That's where he normally is when he comes into spring training. Another encouraging sign.

Third, John Smoltz and Billy Wagner are two recent success stories of TJS in the bullpen. Wagner was statistically the best closer in baseball last year and Smoltz was a former starter who went to the bullpen upon his return with the belief it would reduce the strain on his elbow and was LIGHTS OUT! (Smoltz eventually returned to the rotation several years later)

There's a little bit of concern with Nathan, but not too much. Yes, he's 36, but I think he'll return to being one of the top closers in baseball.

Which brings us to the rest of the bullpen. The Twins lost key cogs in Matt Guerrier and Jesse Crain over the offseason, but really how big were those losses. Guerrier was a streaky reliever who made me want to launch my TV out a window on occasion, and Crain was known as the "Crain Wreck" before his stellar season last year which led to the Chicago White Sox overpaying him.

On a sidenote, I'm going to be drooling when they throw Crain into a tight situation against the Twins...just saying.

Many people have asked "who will step up?" Well, we don't know, but the Twins have fared well in this situation. When Eddie Guardado left, Joe Nathan stepped in. When the Twins needed some arms, waiver wire pickups like Tony Fiore, and Guerrier helped the pen improve. And, the Twins also have been known to call up arms from their farm system like Crain.

It's just something that happens in baseball, and the Twins have the personnel to overcome it. Pat Neshek (who is hopefully not a precursor of the Nathan situation) will be two years removed from Tommy John and has said he's felt better as time has continued. Matt Capps will be back for a second season as an insurance policy/set-up man for Nathan. The Twins hope they found a diamond in the rough in Jim Hoey as well as having many arms in the minors such as Carlos Guittierez, Anthony Slama, and Kyle Waldrop (along with a possible Kyle Gibson sighting?).

Finally, the middle infield situation is interesting. Can Alexei Casilla regain his 2008 form and be a consistent answer at shortstop? Or will we see the .206 average he put up in 2009 before being demoted and nearly cut by the Twins. The Twins wanted more speed and gap power, and Casilla could provide both.

But the real question here is how good is Tsyoshii Nishioka? He put up very solid numbers in Japan, but so did Akinori Iwamura, Kaz Matsui, and several other Japaneese imports. If Nishioka is any good, it could fill what has been a glaring hole at second base for the Twins since Chuck Knoblauch was successfully throwing to first back in the day. It just depends. Did the Twins get the next Ichiro or the Japaneese Nick Punto?

The Twins scare me a bit, but I think they'll compete for the AL Central division title. But the fans are starting to want more. It's all fun and games to get the manager of the year and the division championship banners, but the last time I checked, Boston or New York doesn't hang division championship flags all over the stadium. The players have to want it and we won't know anything until October comes around again.

TWINS PROJECTED LINEUP
1. CF Denard Span
Will look to rebound from sub-par '10 campaign.
2. 2B Tyoshii Nishioka
Could change depending on if Gardy wants speed at the top or bottom of the lineup.
3. C Joe Mauer
Once again, can Mauer recapture the power he displayed in '09 and can he stay healthy?
4. 1B Justin Morneau
Needs to be 100% for Twins to be successful
5. RF Michael Cuddyer
This spot in the lineup should belong to...
6. LF Delmon Young
Had a hot stretch in July that propelled his stats. Can he do it for a whole season?
7. DH Jason Kubel
The most overrated Twin. Cuddyer not far behind
8. 3B Danny Valencia
Was fantastic in the second half. Will he continue to show power?
9. SS Alexi Casilla
Well, it's not Nick Punto...

BENCH
DH Jim Thome
12 bombs shy of 600. Should be entertaining Twins storyline.
IF Matt Tolbert
Will replace Nick Punto. Big shoes to fill, indeed.
OF Jason Repko
Can play all three outfield positions. A quality find last year, but not an everyday player.

ROTATION
1. Carl Pavano
Twins got the 'stache back at a modest price. Now can Carl pitch like he has and stay healthy?
2. Francisco Liriano
Twins looking to deal the enigmatic lefty. Stay tuned.
3. Scott Baker
Scottie Whiplash already feeling tendinitis in his elbow. Nothing compared to his neck injury upcoming in June.
4. Kevin Slowey
Hampered by wrist injury last year. Can he return to solid '09 form?
5. Brian Duensing
Dominated AL Central, was OK against East and West.

BULLPEN
Nick Blackburn
Could be first in line if other pitchers falter.
Pat Neshek
If he regains pre-TJS form, could be great 7th inning guy
Glen Perkins
Last chance to impress at the major league level.
Jim Hoey
Struggles to throw strikes on occasion, but has a power arm the Twins like.
Matt Capps
7 million set up man. Will get chance to close if Nathan isn't ready
Joe Nathan
One year removed from TJS. Always scary.

ON THE HORIZON (Players who could make an impact)
SP Kyle Gibson
OF Ben Revere
SS Trevor Plouffe
IF Luke Hughes
RP Anthony Slama
RP Kyle Waldrop
RP Scott Diamond (Rule 5 pick; must be on major league roster for Twins to keep)

Cheering For A Lockout?

Dear Mr. Goodell,

I am a lifelong fan of the Minnesota Vikings. Yes, I am one of God's most pitiful creatures and at times, I feel like I'm in a trailer park trash relationship.

I am abused, I threaten to leave, and then the Vikings do something that makes me think about coming back, and then I do. I'm in the absolute threshold of hell.

Which is why I'm asking you one huge favor. Take some time aside from punishing players from celebrating, wearing the wrong socks, etc. and hit those guys where it really hurts. LOCK THEM OUT!!!

I know that I've been a huge advocate for sitting down and working something out, but at this point maybe it would benefit me if I had a forced vacation from football.

You have understand what I just went through. I saw a team get predicted to go to the Super Bowl, then flop, choke, and toil around until they went 5-11 with a bunch of ego driven, heartless morons and then watched our biggest rival win the Super Bowl. It's time.

A lockout would mean so much to me, you'd have no idea. First of all, it would sabotage the supposed dynasty looming in Green Bay. Just think about it, how many newspapers would salavate ten years from now by writing: The Green Bay Packers: The Dynasty That Never Was. I get chills just thinking about it.

Plus, I could give you a picture of my Vikings, but it would be me popping a squat and taking a picture of the excrement. After a season of bitchy players and senseless dick picks to media sluts, I've had enough for a while of this team.

Besides, they don't even have a place to play. What are you going to do? Torture us even more by making us watch a season of Vikings football without booze at their games. They're the Vikings. WE NEED THE BOOZE TO TOLERATE THIS! A lockout would strike one more problem off the league's list.

Not to mention, the Vikings could move away when the state legislature gets offended because of the lockout. I can hear them now, "Well, we consider Minnesota to be a first class city, but we don't want to put any money into anything that could make it better." This would be like taking Old Yeller back behind a shed and putting him out of his misery.

And don't worry, we don't need football. We're the mother f'ing STATE OF HOCKEEEEY!!! for God sake. We'll find other ways to occupy our senseless Sundays of missed field goals, stupid coaching decisions, mind boggling interceptions, and straight up unbearable pain. And if you're thinking God wants us to suffer, I'm sure he could just decide to continue the Twins string of consecutive playoff losses. We'll battle our tails off.

So go tell those players to screw off! Don't go and give those retired players who deserve a lot of money for making the NFL what it is today! As a matter of fact, do what you're good at FINE THEIR ASS!

And if you do reach an agreement, we'll probably come right back and sell out the Metrodome. Just like lambs going into a slaughterhouse. Thank you for your time.

Signed,
One Depressed Football Fan

Super Bowl Sunday Timeline

Super Bowl XLV will be one I will never forget. Yes, the Green Bay Packers won the Super Bowl. Yeah, it sucked. But, the events that transpired will make that Super Bowl Sunday a memorable one indeed.

8:00 am: I open my eyes to see the insanely bright Sunday morning. I groan. The night before I consumed enough beer, and screwdriver to choke out an elephant. I know knew what a railroad spike felt like.

9:00 am: Still in bed...@#$%!

10:11 am: I slowly wake up, as Black and Yellow gets blared around our house for the 100th time. I still love it at this point. So I literally crawl up the stairs.

10:15 am: Finally, make it up the stairs. My friend, Jeremy has informed me that I drank all remaining 12 beers when I got home from the bar. I panic, not knowing that Jeremy had put out the beers to get them cold. Good man...good man indeed.

10:17 am: I fight the urge to vomit. I really shouldn't be drinking today, but it's the Super Bowl. After checking my schedule for work online and not seeing it, I call into my bandwagon Packer fan boss. (Note: You are not a true Packer fan if you wear a purple shirt on Sunday...favorite color or not.) My boss asks if I started drinking already. I mention that I'm planning to start very soon.

10:25 am: My other roomate, Steven Linzmeier (will be refered to Linzmo throughout because I can never spell his last name right) leaves to watch pre-game with his fellow Packer fans. I wish him good luck. He becomes the first Packer fan to accept my good vibes saying, "We'll take everything we can get."

11:17 am: Still can't even look at a beer. I brush my teeth for the third time to get the screwdriver out of my breath. Still doesn't work. It's getting ridiculous. This is Super Bowl Sunday. I need to man up soon.

12:00 pm: Still no beers...but there's Gus Johnson. I wish he would come into my room and scream at me to get off the couch, toss me a beer (Crishad with the CAAAAATCH!!!), and commentate on my drinking the rest of the day. (Crishad looking for another one...RISE AND FIRE!)

12:43 pm: Wisconsin is running Michigan State out of the building. I fear between the UWRF Falcons losing, Cris Carter not getting into the hall of fame, and the Badger game, I feel it's just not my weekend.

1:00 pm: The Gophers host Ohio State. Minnesota sports are on. I have to drink to tolerate this. It's on.

1:34 pm: The picture above is taken. My other friend, Jeremy Vetterkind is decked out in Steelers colors, while his dog Emma is scared out of her mind while being wrapped in a bumble bee costume. Still, priceless picture!

2:00 pm: The Gopher game seems to be going incredibly slow, and they're getting crushed. I start screaming at the TV that Tubby Smith should be running plays that involve Blake Hoffarber firing shots from his ass. Couldn't hurt.

3:30 pm: I inform my roomates that there is an episode of How I Met Your Mother where they miss the Super Bowl and tape it for Monday, but they have to not find out the score. This involves one of them being on the news and referring to the teams as the "winning team" and "losing team", a snot nosed kid blackmailing a grown adult, Emmitt Smith claiming that he danced instead of watching the Super Bowl, and the Sense Inhibitor 3000. Classic. (Seriously, if you don't watch this show, you should start.)

4:00 pm: I finally get the idea we have two TVs in the living room. Here's an idea. How about we have one pregame on the big TV and the other on the small TV. Mind blown.

4:30 pm: One hour before kickoff and the temporary seats aren't going to be ready in Cowboys Stadium. I feel bad for these fans until I realize they get three times the face value of their ticket, free food, merchandise, and drinks, and become guests of the NFL for the Super Bowl next year (which might not happen because of a lockout, but seriously).

5:00 pm: We go to Nathan Anderson's house who is having an anti-Packer Super Bowl party. My terrible towel is a welcome addition to the hatred, and I am suddenly jacked for the Super Bowl.

5:20 pm: I miss Christina Aguilerra botching the national anthem. However, this would be made up with the next night during Monday Night Raw in Milwaukee. R-Truth comes out and performs his smash hit "What's Up?" stops, and says to the crowd..."GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN!!! WHAT'S UP?" The fans jump on him immediately chanting MIL-WAU-KEE! MIL-WAU-KEE! Much better.

5:27 pm: Kickoff...away. We. Go.

5:40 pm: You know, I really can't tell you too much about the game, but it was what a Super Bowl party should be. Cold beer, and some quality time with friends...but as for the game...the Packers get first blood. I wonder what being down 4 Super Bowls will feel like.

5:57 pm: Ben Roethlisberger throws a pick six to Nick Collins. As mad I was at Ben, I was even madder at the referee who threw the penalty flag against Nick Collins. The man just had a pick six in the Super Bowl, and you're going to penalize the guy for going to his knees? I truly hate Roger Goodell.

5:59 pm: Rant #1 for Crishad to everyone in attendance. I hate Roger Goodell. Nothing can be original anymore. Did you know the Super Bowl logo will be the same from here on out? Pretty lame. And another problem for Cowboy Stadium: The logos and end zones look awful. Seriously, I hope that Indianapolis doesn't use field turf for the Super Bowl next year...if it happens. The game, to me, didn't have the feel of a Super Bowl at all.

6:45 pm: The Black Eyed Peas perform the halftime show. Remember when they weren't a techno group? They had OK music. Throughout the show, they look stiffer and nervous. Maybe they should drop the tight space suits.

6:52 pm: Linzmo sends out a text that wonders why Mike Tomlin is singing during the halftime show. Will.i.am and Mike Tomlin. Separated at birth?

6:54 pm: Rant #2 ensues. Get the Foo Fighters, Metallica, Slayer...someone with some actual energy for the Halftime Show next year. That was pretty awful.

7:13 pm: We leave Anderson's house and thank him for the hospitality. We head back to 304 Winter St to watch the rest of it and after a Rashard Mendenhall touchdown, the Steelers are back in it. I immediately call my boss leaving a snipet of Black and Yellow on his voicemail. Taunting is good.

7:40 pm: Wade Guerin, who I have been texting back and forth with all night, informs me he's going to Main Streeter to watch the fourth quarter. I decide to join him, and I walk...to the bar...with no coat. Brrr. I get to the Holiday a couple steps from the bar when Jenna Nelson, who is with Wade screams "Do you need a ride? Where is your coat? Is that a Percy Harvin jersey?" I realize I forgot that I had on Vikings gear, going to a Packer bar during the Super Bowl. @#$%!

7:43 pm: I walk in and immediately draw looks from the pro-Packer crowd. I am the only person ballsy enough to do this. Wade begins to think that the patrons of the Mainstreeter think that he is my personal bodyguard. With this, I mention to Wade that I'm Shawn Michaels and he is Diesel. He's not amused. Crishad feels shame.

7:55 pm: Packers score a touchdown off the Mendenhall fumble I missed while I was walking. The downward spiral continues.

8:05 pm: The most tense moment of the night arrives when Mike Wallace scores a touchdown to push the Steelers within three. I jump up and down cheering for the Steelers and waving the terrible towel. The bar is DEAD SILENT! Priceless.

8:20 pm: The Packers get a field goal to make it a six point game. The two minute warning hits and some drunk on the other end of the bar starts screaming obscenities in my direction. I wish his team good luck. Members of the bar are not amused, but at this point I won some over with my positive attitude. After all, we're polite in Minnesota.

8:21 pm: The harsh realization hits me. The Packers are going to win the Super Bowl. If the Vikings were in this situation, Roethlisberger would have surged down the field with lasers out of his eyes and fireballs out of his ass. But this was the Green Bay Packers: God's Team. Crap.

8:25 pm: Mike Wallace drops the ball on fourth down and the Green Bay Packers just won the Super Bowl. Trying to save face, I go with the "Awe, shucks." philosophy, which was the truth...I recognized the Packers were a good team and congratulated all the people around me.

8:26 pm: Jenna sees a man grabbing a match and tells Wade and I to be careful...

8:27 pm: The man runs up and tries to set the Terrible Towel, which is hanging out of my pocket on fire...which almost would have caught my pants...which means he tried to light ME on fire. Only in Wisconsin.

8:28 pm: Wade steps in and tells the guy to calm down. The guy asks him how much I was paying Wade to hang out with me tonight. Wade mentions we're friends, guy still goes bonkers until celebratory shots come flying out of everywhere.

8:29 pm: I step outside and say to a group of smokers "Watch this." I call my boss a second time, leaving a voicemail reminiscent of Kevin losing in The League semi-finals. If you've never seen that show, 1) you really should. 2) it sounded something like this...

"SHIIIIIIIIIT!!! SHIIIIIIIIT!!! @#$%! @#$%! @#$%! THERE IS NO GOD! THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUS!! THERE IS NO EASTER BUNNY! NOTHING IS REAL! NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!!!" (followed by uncontrollable sobbing. Packer fans, you may have just won twice.)

8:31 pm: We head out of Mainstreeter flanked by my friends. I get the trash talk I deserve and on the car ride home, I say "Yeah, I probably shouldn't have worn my Viking jersey to the bar, but lighting me on fire? That's kinda extreme, you think?" I'm also reminded of the time Jenna once said "I can't watch sports with you because my health insurance won't cover it." I realize why this is now.

9:15 pm: Everyone remaining in the house is taking pulls of Apple Pie and saying "I can't believe the Packers won the Super Bowl..." At that moment Linzmo comes in, and we walk up and congratulate him. He exclaims that he is going to the bar, and I get an idea. I have never seen a Super Bowl celebration up close and probably won't for a very long time as a Viking fan. I want to see this. After Linzmo demands I change, I grab a shirt and we head out.

9:20 pm: This is chaos. Multiple Packer fans screaming and hollaring. Observing this really gets me excited about what it might be like when the Vikings win the Super Bowl...when they move to LA and become the Gorillas.

The rest of the night is flanked with memories of how some girl mentioned to me that she's been in a threesome before, a Steelers fan who might have been seriously convinced that the end of the world was coming, and hearing Bang On The Drum and GO PACK GO! over and over again.

However, it was one of my favorite Super Bowls. The buildup, the game, and the fact that I consumed even more alcohol than the night before. Of course that last part was something I wasn't proud of the following morning. Here we go again...

Why We Can Cheer Against The Packers

An interesting phenomena has reached the Minnesota/Wisconsin border. Life long Minnesota Viking fans are suddenly becoming fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers as they head to Super Bowl XLV on Sunday.

But for all my talk about bandwagon Packer fans and all that stuff, I could see why some of you Packer fans out there might call myself and others hypocrites for stocking up on Troy Polamalu jerseys and Terrible Towels. But, we're still going to do it.

Here's what's up. I know the Packers are a very talented football team. They have a young, elite quarterback in Aaron Rodgers. They have a young, great, up-and-coming defense with guys like Clay Matthews, B.J. Raji, and Tramon Williams. Plus their coaching staff is actually competent, something the Vikings have lacked for the past 20 years. So yeah, there's a bit of jealousy involved.

However, this isn't about the team. It's about the John Deere Cult itself.

Packer fans blow my mind. Actually, their quite entertaining. Just like any fan base, you have some who are pretty cool. (Like my roomate who will probably unleash the fury upon reading this.) But then you have some who are just...for lack of a better term, dumb.

Think of Packer fans for a second. What's the one thing they shout uncontrollably? Three Super Bowls. It's a good fact, but when you're sitting down at a bar and having a good ol' chat about football, they tend to use it as a white flag to say you won the argument. It's like a person screaming "@#$% you."

Examples?

Person 1: Well Adrian Peterson is the better statistical running back than Ryan Grant.
Person 2: Well, the Packers have three Super Bowls.

Person 1: Mike McCarthy is the same coach as Brad Childress but the players like him.
Person 2: But we have three Super Bowls.

Person 1: The Vikings have won 12 division championships, which is more than the Packers have.
Person 2: But we have three Super Bowls.

OK, maybe the third one was legit, but really? The pain of hearing FOUR Super Bowls being screamed at us non-stop would be too much to take. Consider that reason #1.

Reason #2? Packer fans are just as big of hypocrites as Viking fans. Yeah, most Viking fans turned to Brett Favre fans when he played for us...BUT THAT'S BECAUSE WE WERE WINNING.

Packer fans don't understand this. When your team has zero Super Bowls, you'll do a lot of things you won't be proud of to get one. Cheering for Favre, slaying a goat, and taking Visthante Shiancoes [excerpt deleted] to the back of your throat all count in that category if it means the Vikings win the Super Bowl.

The point I'm getting at is the so-called loyalty Wisconsin has in their sports. Let's go to scenario A. Cindy, a teacher from Appleton, is a life long Packer fan, then she goes to Minneapolis for a teaching job. When she's there, she becomes a Viking fan because the they're closer and easier to watch than the Packers.

Scenario B. Cindy grows up a life long Brewers fan and gets the same job in Minnesota. She becomes a Twins fan for the same reason.

Why do I bring this up? Because in scenario A, when Cindy comes home for Christmas wearing a Percy Harvin jersey, she gets beat, tied up to a stake, and the entire city of Green Bay performs an exorcism. Yet, in scenario B, it's ok because the Brewers suck.

That's some great loyalty in Wisconsin. I actually have respect for Brewers fans because their team has been so God awful. I imagine that a good chunk of kids who grew up in Milwaukee and watched the Brewers during their childhood became Twins fans because they could win, or became...even worse...Cubs fans. Yuck.

This doesn't stop at baseball though. Ted Thompson is great isn't he? So is B.J. "The Freezer" Raji. Two vital cogs in the Packers Super Bowl run who got blasted on a daily basis. As Charles Barkley once put it, winning is the deodorant that covers the stench of losing. Simple as that.

And don't give me the "We were there when they sucked in the 80's argument." I have two questions to shut that down. 1) If the Packers didn't win the first two Super Bowls and multiple NFL Championships, would Wisconsinites still flock to Lambeau Field? 2) WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO IN GREEN BAY??? Don't get me wrong, St. Norbert hockey is really good and probably really fun to follow, but really? REALLY?

Finally, reason #3...and perhaps the biggest one. YOU DON'T NEED US!!! It seems like if I choose to cheer against the Packers, I upset God. How dare I cheer against the legendary Green Bay Packers? Do I not like football? Do I have a problem with tradition? I'm going straight to hell in this one, where I shall swim in a river of fire for all eternity, and every time I try to come up, some guy with a fire fist punches me and screams "GET BACK IN THE FIREY WATER!"

But seriously, why would you want fans of a team, who God truly hates, cheering for your team? You wanna talk four Super Bowls? The Vikings have LOST four Super Bowls. Do you really want that bad luck on your side?

With all of this, I will cheer against the Packers. If the Packers win, hats off to them. They're a very talented football team with most of their pieces locked up for several years to come. They could be a dynasty in the making. However, I do not believe that the fans of the Green Bay Packers, just like fans of the Vikings last year, deserve a championship.

This has been Crishad's 1,000 words of anger. Good day.