It was a snowy January afternoon at the Twins offices at Target Field, and Ron Gardenhire sat at his desk. Chewing on a toothpick, he looked across the table and the conversation started.
Gardy: Well, it looks like this is the end, huh?
Nick Punto: Oh, come on Gardy! It'll never be the end. Mr. Smith loves my hustle, my determination, and my grit. I'll battle my tail off before they ever let me leave.
Gardy: That's just it, Nick. They're not bringing you back. I went into Bill's office last week. I battled my tail off to get you back, and he just laughed at me.
Punto: But what am I going to do?
Gardy: Well, there's going to be other teams that will want your defense and your hustle. But they'll never love you the way I love you.
At that point, Gardy hugged Punto and held him ever so gently. Then Punto threw Gardy on the table and...
Woah, that got out of control. But when Punto walked out that more, it did more than just put this song on repeat in Gardy's office, it meant that Twins fans had to look for a new player to hate.
I've said this before, but a man once told me that there is one player on every team you cheer for that you just can't stand. For example, this man hated former Vikings linebacker Dontarrious Thomas that his kids thought his first name was literally "@#$%!"
For many Twins fans, Punto was that guy. They were sick of hearing how Punto "battled his tail off" and "made up for his size with grit and great defense." When the Twins lost, it was somehow Nick Punto's fault. I was one of those fans.
So, I started thinking. Who else could I hate that much? Well, there's the pitching staff. Scott Baker, Nick Blackburn, and Kevin Slowey all make me want to projectile vomit in every direction when I see them toss a 89 mile per hour fastball with no movement down the middle of the plate, and then have it ripped 500 feet in the opposite direction, but surprisingly, it's not them.
It's another man that Gardy views as the face of the Minnesota Twins. Another man who is a giant cheerleader in the clubhouse...that man is Michael Cuddyer.
Think about the similarities to Nick Punto. First, Cuddy is SHOCKINGLY OVERPAID!!!! His 12 million dollar salary for the things he does is absolutely ridiculous and that brings me to my next points.
Cuddyer is the "Master of the Solo Bomb." He never hits home runs with guys on base, and he never hits bombs when the Twins need it. He is the complete opposite of a clutch player because...
He strikes out at an ALARMING rate...
And he hits into double plays at a RIDICULOUS pace...
He's also the cheerleader in the clubhouse now with Punto gone. Cuddy hands out T-Shirts to every member each year with a corny cliche on them. In 2008, the T-Shirts said 162+. This year, the shirt says "Win" and "Don't be denied."
Vomit everywhere...EVERYWHERE!!!
And mostly of all, he has the attitude that has held the Twins back from winning a single playoff game since 2002. He considers the season to be a success if the Twins win the American League Central, instead of getting destroyed in three straight games by the New York Yankees. This happens so much that when a player doesn't think that's a success and wants more, ala Danny Valencia and Carl Pavano, Cuddyer fines him in the Kangaroo Court, which he is in charge of somehow.
So if you have the urge to boo Cuddyer when he grounds into another rally-killing or game ending double play or strikeout, I simply can not blame you. Be careful, Mikey. You're in my crosshairs.
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