Week 1 Preview

In roughly 24 hours from now, most of you reading this blog are going to plop down in your chair with a beer and a big plate of meat and watch some football that actually means something for the first time in about a year. In that year, many things have changed on the field and off of it.

People get new jobs, they have new places to live, and on the field new faces are in different places. No, don't worry, I'm not about to write a song for Pink here, but I'm just saying that this year has that same new car smell, but it feels a little more special. Just think of how we got to this point.

After the Green Bay Packers won the Super Bowl, the NFL went into a mode of secrecy. The typical scenes of a new quarterback working with his new receivers at Organized Team Activities (aka OTAs) were replaced with big, hulking men in suits ready to engage in a verbal fist fight with their owner counterparts.

When the collective bargaining agreement was finally ratified, the NFL decided to give fans a "Merry Christmas on steroids" aproach to free agency. Where normally, teams would wine and dine players to convince them to sign with their teams, the coaches threw the prospective player a playbook, quickly ran them through McDonalds and then begged them to consider.

It was for fans too. Most offseasons it was "Oh, what's this??? A TERRELL OWENS! I ALWAYS WANTED ONE OF THOSE!!!" But this year it was, "Oh..it's...oh another....what the...STOP THROWING PRESENTS AT ME!!!"

After all the talk and preseason games, we finally have football that counts on Thursday night. It will be a bit of a different experience for yours truly, as I won't have the aid known as NFL Sunday Ticket to give a complete list of happenings around the league, but I'll try my best to preview each week in the NFL.

FIVE STAR GAMES:
New Orleans Saints at Green Bay Packers Thursday 7:30 pm NBC
A couple weeks ago when I was watching professional wrestling, John Cena came out and beat the tar out of new WWE champion Alberto Del Rio. What does this have to do with football? Well, it was what Cena said to the new champion: "You are NOT a champion! YOU'RE A TARGET!"

This is what the Green Bay Packers will put up with the rest of the season. Defending your championship is one of the hardest things in sports. You could say that with all the guys on injured reserve, the Packers may have snuck up on teams last season. Not this year. The Packers will get everyones best performance all year long and it starts with a test against the high powered New Orleans Saints.

History is on the Packers side here, as the Super Bowl champion is 11-0 in their opener during the past 11 seasons. However, early in that streak teams A) didn't play on Thursday night in front of a national TV audience and B) may have gotten cupcakes to open their season. That is not the case now.

I don't think the Packers will be affected by the pressure, I mean, they just won a Super Bowl! But, the Saints are not slouches. I'm sure that Saints coach Sean Payton has shown the Marshawn Lynch "Beast Mode" run over and over again this offseason, and they will be hungry to get back to the Super Bowl.
PREDICTION: Packers

Pittsburgh Steelers at Baltimore Ravens Sunday 12:00 pm CBS
Do you like violence with your football? Well, do we have a game for you!

The Steelers and Ravens will meet in their bi-annual steel cage match on Sunday, a rematch of the divisional playoff matchup from last season. Both teams hit hard. Both teams love to run the football. Both teams have coaches who are pretty good at what they do, but there is one difference between the two teams.

There's a question that's starting to spring up when the Steelers are getting mentioned these days. "Is their defense getting too old?"

There are great players on the Steeler defense, but some of them are getting up in age. Troy Polamalu, James Harrison, Casey Hampton, etc. all have been around for a while, and in the NFL it is the survival of the fittest. It makes you wonder if they can keep up...especially after their dismal Super Bowl performance.

For the Ravens, they'll want to see improvement from Joe Flacco. This will be his fourth year at the helm of the Ravens, and they're hoping that he improves with the addition of burner Lee Evans to compliment Anquan Boldin's possession skills. Ray Rice will also be a valuable target to aid Mr. Flacco.

This is a hurdle the Ravens must clear to win the AFC North and advance further into the playoffs. With them being at home, I think they're up to the challenge.
PREDICITON: Ravens

FOUR STAR GAMES

Atlanta Falcons at Chicago Bears 1:00 Sunday FOX
I would really wish that FOX would give us the Detroit game, but anyway...

Jay Cutler will appear in a meaningful game for the first time since channeling his inner Joe Mauer in the NFC Championship Game. The Bears will need Good Cutler instead of Bad Cutler to show up this season, or else the addition of Roy Williams to the passing game will be irrelevant.

The Bears also added FS Brandon Merriweather from the Patriots last week. This move should add a little bit of youth into the Bears secondary and could be a good move down the road if Merriweather re-ups after this season.

The Falcons were supposed to be the class of the NFC last season, but we already know what happened there. They will look to rebound and they added Julio Jones to an already potent offense. Their defense got stronger too with the addition of Ray Edwards, and the Falcons look stacked to repeat their 14-2 season from '10.

This will be a test for the Falcons as they go into the ripped up turf of Soldier Field. The Falcons were able to handle most of their challenges last season, and should be able to handle this one.
PREDICTION: Falcons

Philadelphia Eagles at St. Louis Rams 1:00 Sunday
So you want to be a contender, St. Louis? The "Dream Team" will make their debut Sunday and they added a ton of talent...but you already knew that.

The biggest storyline here is not only how the Dream Team looks in regular game action, but if Sam Bradford and his up-and-coming Rams can knock off one of the top teams in the NFL at home. This should be a fun game to watch.
PREDICTION: Eagles

Dallas Cowboys at New York Jets 7:30 Sunday NBC
The Foot Fetish Bowl! Brothers Rex and Rob Ryan square off in New York on Sunday Night. Emotions will be flying high due to the tenth anniversary of the September 11th attacks.

On the field, the Cowboys will bring a high-powered offense to go up against one of the best defenses in the league. To be honest, these are two teams that I can't stand. However, there must be a winner. Actually, there could be a tie, but that's boring to predict and Donovan McNabb wouldn't think I'm right.
PREDICTION: Jets

THREE STAR GAMES

Minnesota Vikings at San Diego Chargers 3:15 FOX
This game may have been moved up a star for homerism, but there are a lot of interesting elements that will be on display for the Vikings.

They have a new quarterback, new coaching staff, new offensive playbook, and a new defense that vows to be more aggressive than it was in the preseason. Their first test? Go to San Diego and upset the Chargers.

It may look like a mismatch on paper, but the Vikings may have a chance in this one. The Chargers always seem to start the season slow, and if the Vikings are prepared enough, they could score the first "official" victory in Leslie Frasier's coaching career.
PREDICTION: Chargers

Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans 12:00
This matchup opened the season last year. If you don't remember last years opening matchup, it's the one where Texans running back Arian Foster said to the Colts, "HELLO, SIR! HOW DO YOU DO???"

The Colts got their butts kicked by the Texans new found running attack, and this year they'll have to stop it AND win offensively with a quarterback who was sitting on his couch retired a couple weeks ago...I know what you're thinking...stop...it's Kerry Collins...

The Colts defense has looked attrocious, and I think this will mark the beginning of the end of the Jim Caldwell era in Indianapolis...I'll get to it later this season.
PREDICTION: Texans

Detroit Lions at Tampa Bay Buccaneers 12:00 Sunday
Two teams that believe that the best way to win in the NFL is to have a bad ass defensive line. Also, these are two of the most promising teams in the NFL.

The Lions have added Nick Fairley to their already potent line, and he might not even play. If he doesn't the Lions still have Corey Williams to plug in as a stop gap. If you don't believe the Lions are a contender, watch the third preseason game where they repeatedly knocked Tom Brady senseless. I'm telling you, this team is for real.

The Bucs are a solid team on the line too, as they added DeQuan Bowers and Adrian Clayborne to go along with Gerald McCoy and Brian Pryce. Yikes.

If the Lions protect Matt Stafford from getting slammed to the turf again, it'll be a great season for the Lions, but short-term, it'll mean an opening week win.
PREDICTION: Lions

New York Giants at Washington Redskins 3:15 Sunday
Why do I love the fact the Vikings are on the West Coast this week? NO JOE BUCK WILL BE ON MY TELEVISION!

Another 9/11 ceremony will take place in Washington on Sunday, and on the field will be a matchup of two of the most overrated teams in the NFL.

Maybe the Redskins aren't overrated, but they're not the typical NFC East super team that Troy Aikman and Buck will try and make the nation believe Sunday afternoon. However, this game to me screams upset special.

Most people would pick the Giants here, but they're a very depleted group after losing Terell Thomas and Prince Amukamara in the secondary. It will be a long season for Big Blue.
PREDICTION: Redskins

New England Patriots at Miami Dolphins 6:00 Monday ESPN
I don't think this game will be very good, but all the new parts in the rivalry make me interested. Plus, it's Monday Night Football! What's not to love?

The Dolphins will unveil Reggie Bush as their feature back on Monday night. This is something that Sean Payton never did in New Orleans. I think in this situation, we will really be able to see if Bush can be an every down feature back in the NFL. I don't think we're looking at the second coming of Barry Sanders with Bush, but I think that in this situation, Bush could end up as a LeSean McCoy type back who can get the job done on the ground or in the receiving game.

The Patriots will also be throwing out Chad Ochocinco and Albert Haynesworth. Ochocinco intrigues me more than Haynesworth because he could turn out to be the Randy Moss that the Patriots have needed. Since being dealt to "heaven" (as he puts it on his Twitter account), Ochocinco has struggled picking up the offense, but I'm sure with Tom Brady throwing you the football, you're going to do OK.
PREDICTION: Patriots

TWO STAR GAMES
Carolina Panthers at Arizona Cardinals 3:15
Two new quarterbacks debut here. Cam Newton, the number one pick in the 2011 draft, will start for the Panthers, and Kevin Kolb start for Arizona.
PREDICTION: Cardinals

Seattle Seahawks at San Francisco 49ers 3:15
The Seahawks may be the better team here, but I really can't bet on Tarvaris Jackson in any situation. This game will be very important in the NFC West race too, as the team that gets off to the fastest start may be able to coast to the finish.
PREDICTION: 49ers

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos 9:15 Monday ESPN
Holy late games! This game should probably be classified as a one star game, but it's the fantasy football implications that I'm watching. The last time Darren McFadden faced the Broncos, he ran all over the place. It may be a new regime in Denver, but I don't think the Broncos have the talent to stop a run oriented team like the Raiders.
PREDICTION: Raiders

ONE STAR GAMES
Cincinatti Bengals at Cleveland Browns 12:00
Ugh...I wouldn't recommend watching this game, let alone analyzing it...
PREDICTION: Browns

Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars 12:00
Luke McCown, huh? No wonder nobody ever goes to Jaguar games...
PREDICTION: Titans

Buffalo Bills at Kansas City Chiefs 12:00
I like the Chiefs, but with the way they looked in the preseason it's hard to get excited for THAT...
PREDICTION: Chiefs (Hey, the Bills are still worse!)

Green Bay Packer Fans: The Most Arrogant Fan Base In Sports

It was a cool, crisp Sunday afternoon and the sun was shining in Western Wisconsin. I was sitting at a bar enjoying a couple of drinks when the chill atmosphere was suddenly cut in with the loud switchblade of a motorcycle.

"VROOOOOOOOOMMMMM BAARRRRRRHHHHHH!!!" The big bad biker unleashed the fury of his motorcycle to let the patrons of the establishment know that "The Champ Is Here!" He walked in and ordered his boilermaker and immediately turned to my friends wife and looked at her Viking shirt. Suddenly, he turned to my friend, who was also wearing a Jared Allen shirt and said "Tell your wife not to come in here wearing purple again."

At this moment, my friend was fabricating how the Packers were actually his favorite team and were going to go 16-0 and win the Super Bowl. Big Bad Biker Man started to become annoyed and before the situation could get any worse, we left the bar with our moral victory.

Moral victory, you ask? Yup. Anything to piss off the most arrogant fan base in all of sports.

Oh, there are some bad ones. The Chicago Cubs fans believe that they are entitled to win the World Series every year even though their players are God awful. (No, Tyler Colvin is not the second coming of Mickey Mantle. Sorry, bro.) The Vancouver Canucks fans sure showed their whiny side after losing game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals last year, and there are Yankee and Red Sox fans too. But I'm here to say that the John Deere Cult is worse.

Since last February, I have heard about the Packers non-stop. It's legit because they did win their fourth Super Bowl, congrats to them. They're a good football team. But their fans use it as the killshot counterpoint to win any argument.

"Adrian Peterson is a better running back than Ryan Grant." "Well, the Packers have four Super Bowls."

"The Saints have an offense that is capable of beating the Packers." Well, we'll win because we have four Super Bowls."

"Chunky peanut butter is better on a PB and J than creamy peanut butter." "But the Packers have four Super Bowls."

See my point?

Packer fans also think that their players possess super powers that make them better than any other player in the NFL. The third string running back for the Packers could start for your team and do an exponentially greater job than your current running back. Hell, James Starks and Ryan Grant are going to rush for 2,000 yards...each. Even the undrafted cornerback they pull off the street will be a Pro Bowler within two years. (Actually, this one is true. Makes you wonder if Marcus Sherels should have joined the Packers...hmmm...)

The other thing about Packer fans is that they are frontrunners. They'll never admit it, though. They will tell you until they are blue in the face about how their Great Grandfather was a Packer fan and they're on the waiting list to get season tickets to Lambeau Field (Maybe they'll get them in 2030), but I have an argument that proves my point, and it's not the Packer/Twins fans I've mentioned before.

In 2004, the Packers drafted a certain quarterback to replace an aging Brett Favre. The quarterback could have been the #1 overall pick in the draft, but fell all the way to 24 and seemed like a steal, but Packer fans were still skeptical that this man could not follow up "God."

That preseason, he was thrown behind the worst offensive line in football history. Seriously, the guy took two steps back and had four defensive linemen in his face. Because of this, he didn't look good and Packer fans had their torches and pitch forks ready. The second game he performed admirably, but in the third game he broke his foot and judgement was passed.

I know of MANY Packer fans who said they would never watch another Packer game if Aaron Rodgers was the starting quarterback. This was to the point that when Brett Favre wanted to come back for one more season, Packer fans wanted him to come back and have Rodgers, who had paid his dues, to take a step aside at least for one more year.

Then, a funny thing happened. The Packers started winning with Rodgers at quarterback. These same Packer fans who said Rodgers would never pan out were running out to Fleet Farm to get truckloads worth of Rodgers jerseys. Then, he won a Super Bowl and he suddenly was Jesus Christ.

Finally, Packer fans act like it's a sin to cheer for anyone but the Packers. Like Big Bad Biker Man, wearing a purple Viking shirt means that you're going straight to hell. Yes, the Packers may be "God's Team", but I can cheer for whomever the hell I want without having to deal with people wanting to convert me to "save my soul."

There is a bit by Houston Aeros enforcer Matt Kassian called the Shins List. This is a list of people who deserve a good, hard kick in the shins for whatever reason. I believe that Packer fans should be included to this list.

Hey, don't get me wrong. The Packers are seriously one of the greatest franchises in sports. They have an awesome stadium, the best QB/WR combo in Jesus Christ and Greg Jennings, and their front office staff is one of the best in football. However, the arrogance of their fans makes me want to see that team fail miserably to the point where if Ndamukong Suh snapped Aaron Rodgers like a twig, I would laugh sadistically.

A Typical Day In The Twins Clubhouse

(It's early Sunday morning in Los Angeles as the Minnesota Twins, who are now 18 games out of first place, get ready to take on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. The Twins have already split the series and are looking for their first series win since...God knows how long. Let's take a look at what exactly goes on behind the scenes of the Minnesota Cute and Cuddlies.)

[Ron Gardenhire is sitting in his office] Gardy (Singing): Oh it's a great day to be manager of the year! I'm so smart. I know people are mad, but I know what I'm doing. I have that trophy up there and it was a long time coming. Now to make my lineup. [Gardy writes down his lineup, and posts it on the wall on the clubhouse. Joe Mauer sees that he is playing designated hitter today and approaches Gardy.]

Mauer: Hey, Gardy...can we talk?

Gardy: What's the matter, Joe? Are you sore? Let me guess it's the neck this time? Or are your legs sore?

Mauer: Even worse, Gardy.[Sniffles] I have the worst cold ever. [Sniff, sniff] I mean, I've battled my tail off all year and now I have this. I don't get it, I just don't feel like playing today.

[Gardy looks concerned and then gives Mauer a condolescing look]

Gardy: My little Josie Wosie has the flu? Oh, you just take the day off and let me know when my little Joe is feeling better. Go have some ice cream.

Mauer: Thank you so much for understanding, Gardy. You know how tough I am. As does everyone else in this locker room, [turns to rest of clubhouse] RIGHT???

[Everyone except for Danny Valencia agrees with Mauer]

Gardy: Danny! What the hell is your problem???

[Valencia is listening to Drake in his headphones and not paying attention. Gardy walks up and rips his earbuds out of his ear and hits him with them]

Gardy: This is what I'm talking about Danny. You're a bad example for the rest of this clubhouse, and your on-field performance is not up to speed!

Valencia: Seriously, what do you want me to do? I lead the frickin team in RBI and it's not my fault Jim Hoey can't throw in the strike zone.

Gardy: Well, maybe if you didn't have that throwing error in the 1st, he would have been fine. I mean, how can you pitch to contact when your defense is doing that? And don't get me started about your baserunning. I've told you a million times. When you go to first you have to dive head first into the bag so it looks like you're hustling! We never should have gotten rid of Nick Punto.

[Justin Morneau approaches Gardy]

Gardy: What's up, Justin? Morneau: I'm dizzy...and I can't see straight...

Gardy: GOD DAMMIT, VALENCIA! YOU JUST GAVE MORNEAU ANOTHER CONCUSSION!

Valencia (Sarcastically): Yeah, if only I had dove into first base, then Morneausy wouldn't have gotten one when I was on the other end of the diamond watching him dive for a ball...what's next? Did I not get the right Jimmy John's for today's game?

Gardy: Damn right you didn't! I told you to get the hot peppers on my Vito, and you got me a Turkey F'ing Tom? You think I want to fall asleep during the game? You're putting our team in jeopardy, Valencia.

Valencia: Well, it's not like we could play any worse.

Gardy: THAT'S IT! REMEMBER WHAT THE TWINS OATH SAYS DANNY! RECITE IT...NOW!!!

Valencia [sighs]: I pledge allegiance to the Twins Way. I will look at the first two pitches down the middle of the strike zone, and complain to the umpire when the third one grazes the plate. I will do the little things right, which include bunting in random situations. I will pitch to contact and I will never, EVER criticize the manager. If I violate the Twins Way, I will be shipped awa...Hey, Gardy? Why the hell did we trade JJ Hardy?

Nishioka: [Something in Japaneese]

Morneau: Seriously, I just saw Jesus' eyes, but don't take me out of the lineup. I'm fine.

Gardy: No! You're coming out of the lineup, Justin. We don't want anyone to get seriously hurt.

[Michael Cuddyer walks into the clubhouse missing an arm]

Gardy: What the hell?

Cuddy: Well, I was mauled by a bear on the way to the ballpark. You know, like that scene in Anchorman? It's OK though. Just keep me in the lineup, sometimes you have to play through things...RIGHT JOE?

[Mauer is nestled up in a blanket eating some Kemps ice cream and watching some Lifetime movie]

Mauer: You don't even know what it's like to be me, Cuddy.

Cuddy: You're right. I'm not a p**** like you.

[Mauer climbs out of the chair and starts trying to slap Cuddyer, who is laughing hysterically]

Mauer: OWWWWW!!! MY HAMSTRING!!!

Gardy: DANNY, LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!!

Mauer: I need to go to the disabled list...oh, I just got stung by a bee.

Gardy: It's OK, Joe. We'll put you on the 60 day DL for this one. Then you can spend the next two weeks down in Fort Myers.

Valencia and Cuddyer: OH, COME ON!!!

Gardy: VALENCIA, YOU'RE BENCHED!!!

Valencia: Good, I was hoping to watch Matt Tolbert flop around like a fish today and try and play third.

Gardy: Ok, boys...we're without half our starting lineup, but that's OK. Cause we're going to battle our tails off. I wasn't the manager of the year for nothing! With my excellent managing skills, we can still win the Central! Everybody in here!

[Nobody comes in to huddle with him.]

Gardy: Well, that's fine. I'm going to go shine my MOY trophy and I'll see you on the field!

[After this debacle, the Twins get shelled 15-2 and Gardenhire criticizes Valencia again for not sitting in the appropriate area on the bench.]