A Typical Day In The Twins Clubhouse

(It's early Sunday morning in Los Angeles as the Minnesota Twins, who are now 18 games out of first place, get ready to take on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. The Twins have already split the series and are looking for their first series win since...God knows how long. Let's take a look at what exactly goes on behind the scenes of the Minnesota Cute and Cuddlies.)

[Ron Gardenhire is sitting in his office] Gardy (Singing): Oh it's a great day to be manager of the year! I'm so smart. I know people are mad, but I know what I'm doing. I have that trophy up there and it was a long time coming. Now to make my lineup. [Gardy writes down his lineup, and posts it on the wall on the clubhouse. Joe Mauer sees that he is playing designated hitter today and approaches Gardy.]

Mauer: Hey, Gardy...can we talk?

Gardy: What's the matter, Joe? Are you sore? Let me guess it's the neck this time? Or are your legs sore?

Mauer: Even worse, Gardy.[Sniffles] I have the worst cold ever. [Sniff, sniff] I mean, I've battled my tail off all year and now I have this. I don't get it, I just don't feel like playing today.

[Gardy looks concerned and then gives Mauer a condolescing look]

Gardy: My little Josie Wosie has the flu? Oh, you just take the day off and let me know when my little Joe is feeling better. Go have some ice cream.

Mauer: Thank you so much for understanding, Gardy. You know how tough I am. As does everyone else in this locker room, [turns to rest of clubhouse] RIGHT???

[Everyone except for Danny Valencia agrees with Mauer]

Gardy: Danny! What the hell is your problem???

[Valencia is listening to Drake in his headphones and not paying attention. Gardy walks up and rips his earbuds out of his ear and hits him with them]

Gardy: This is what I'm talking about Danny. You're a bad example for the rest of this clubhouse, and your on-field performance is not up to speed!

Valencia: Seriously, what do you want me to do? I lead the frickin team in RBI and it's not my fault Jim Hoey can't throw in the strike zone.

Gardy: Well, maybe if you didn't have that throwing error in the 1st, he would have been fine. I mean, how can you pitch to contact when your defense is doing that? And don't get me started about your baserunning. I've told you a million times. When you go to first you have to dive head first into the bag so it looks like you're hustling! We never should have gotten rid of Nick Punto.

[Justin Morneau approaches Gardy]

Gardy: What's up, Justin? Morneau: I'm dizzy...and I can't see straight...

Gardy: GOD DAMMIT, VALENCIA! YOU JUST GAVE MORNEAU ANOTHER CONCUSSION!

Valencia (Sarcastically): Yeah, if only I had dove into first base, then Morneausy wouldn't have gotten one when I was on the other end of the diamond watching him dive for a ball...what's next? Did I not get the right Jimmy John's for today's game?

Gardy: Damn right you didn't! I told you to get the hot peppers on my Vito, and you got me a Turkey F'ing Tom? You think I want to fall asleep during the game? You're putting our team in jeopardy, Valencia.

Valencia: Well, it's not like we could play any worse.

Gardy: THAT'S IT! REMEMBER WHAT THE TWINS OATH SAYS DANNY! RECITE IT...NOW!!!

Valencia [sighs]: I pledge allegiance to the Twins Way. I will look at the first two pitches down the middle of the strike zone, and complain to the umpire when the third one grazes the plate. I will do the little things right, which include bunting in random situations. I will pitch to contact and I will never, EVER criticize the manager. If I violate the Twins Way, I will be shipped awa...Hey, Gardy? Why the hell did we trade JJ Hardy?

Nishioka: [Something in Japaneese]

Morneau: Seriously, I just saw Jesus' eyes, but don't take me out of the lineup. I'm fine.

Gardy: No! You're coming out of the lineup, Justin. We don't want anyone to get seriously hurt.

[Michael Cuddyer walks into the clubhouse missing an arm]

Gardy: What the hell?

Cuddy: Well, I was mauled by a bear on the way to the ballpark. You know, like that scene in Anchorman? It's OK though. Just keep me in the lineup, sometimes you have to play through things...RIGHT JOE?

[Mauer is nestled up in a blanket eating some Kemps ice cream and watching some Lifetime movie]

Mauer: You don't even know what it's like to be me, Cuddy.

Cuddy: You're right. I'm not a p**** like you.

[Mauer climbs out of the chair and starts trying to slap Cuddyer, who is laughing hysterically]

Mauer: OWWWWW!!! MY HAMSTRING!!!

Gardy: DANNY, LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!!

Mauer: I need to go to the disabled list...oh, I just got stung by a bee.

Gardy: It's OK, Joe. We'll put you on the 60 day DL for this one. Then you can spend the next two weeks down in Fort Myers.

Valencia and Cuddyer: OH, COME ON!!!

Gardy: VALENCIA, YOU'RE BENCHED!!!

Valencia: Good, I was hoping to watch Matt Tolbert flop around like a fish today and try and play third.

Gardy: Ok, boys...we're without half our starting lineup, but that's OK. Cause we're going to battle our tails off. I wasn't the manager of the year for nothing! With my excellent managing skills, we can still win the Central! Everybody in here!

[Nobody comes in to huddle with him.]

Gardy: Well, that's fine. I'm going to go shine my MOY trophy and I'll see you on the field!

[After this debacle, the Twins get shelled 15-2 and Gardenhire criticizes Valencia again for not sitting in the appropriate area on the bench.]