This is where I get my stereotypes from...

So I should apologize to the three people who read this blog because I haven't updated it in a while. See, right after winter break my crappy computer crapped out on me for the last time so I have to walk about 20 minutes to get to a computer. Thanks Dell. I will soon be getting a Mac and be much happier with my life. And now...

Today, I'm battling through my annual post-Viking season hangover. Sometimes I call this the "How the @#$% could they lose that game!" hangover, but not this year. As soon as the Eagles destroyed Dallas last week, I knew that the Vikings were in trouble. The Eagles blitz the piss out of every team they play. The Vikings were the worst team in the NFL against the blitz this season. Hmmm. So, although I drank some purple kool-aid before the game and was hopeful that the Vikings would pull one out of their ass, dissapointment still reigned supreme.

The Vikings added another chapter in unexplained losses and horrific plays on Sunday. They actually managed to add 2 plays to that list. The Asante Samuel pick six was attrocicous not only because it sucked the life out of the Dome, but it also came from a guy with a hip worse than that of Joe Paterno. Then, just when it looked like the vikings might pull one out of their ass. DAGGER! Brian Westbrook, who I can never understand why he's such a great running back year in and year out, bolts 76 yards on a little screen for a touchdown. Kevin Williams falls down. Antoine Winfield and Tyrell Johnson play out of postition and, poof, the Vikings go up in smoke again.

Let me rant about something here. If this were a Student Voice column, it would be called "Irate Vikings Fan Whines Again About Unexplained Losses" The relationship that the Vikings have between themselves and their fans is a lot like a trailer park or bad relationship. The guy (or in this case the Vikings) abuses the girl (in this case the fans) until she can no longer take it anymore. She threatens to leave and suddenly the guy gets on his knees and begs her to stay. Crying and saying that "You're the only one for me" and "I promise I'll treat you better" repeatedly, the girl flocks back to him. Either that or stabbing yourself in the face with a rusty knife. I'll let you decide.

I'm strongly convinced that no matter how hyped up the Vikings are, they will NEVER win anything. Just like any other Minnesota team. When they do win something (Look into the 1996 Gopher Basketball team) it will be taken away because we have cheated. If the Vikings even get remotely close to winning a Super Bowl, a giant asteroid will come and destroy the earth. It will NEVER happen. I look around at every sport I see right now and see mediocrity and I am sick of it!

The Minnesota Wild were going to trade Marian Gaborik. Apparently, Mr. Reisbrough took a page out of the Twins book and refused to take a good deal when he sees one. Kovalchuk and Armstrong for Gaborik and Johnsson isn't good enough huh? NO! We don't want to part with Kim Johnsson and his three goals a year. Wasn't he supposed to be an offensive defenseman? It was only a matter of time before Gaborik needed some sort of surgery. I heard this was experimental surgery to have his balls removed but then I thought that theory is proposterous. Think about it. Gaborik didn't have any balls in the first place! Now, the Wild are struggling to score goals once again. GO FIGURE!!!

Speaking of kick-ass offense, there's the Minnesota Twins. We love mediocrity. We can hang all the AL Central championship banners we want but we don't want a World Series banner or a pennant. Championships cost too much money. After all, Mr. Pohlad will enjoy his new stadium revenues when he's six feet under by 2010. The Twins refuse to spend money. The Twins gigantic free agent signing so far has been Nick Punto and R.A. F'ing Dickey! The Twins could have dealt for Mark DeRosa, but instead, they watched him go to the division rival Cleveland Indians for a lap dance from a Tuesday afternoon stripper, a bag of Fritos, a ham sandwich, and the dealbreaker was a Diet Coke. The Cubs offered regular coach, but Bill Smith had to watch his weight. The Twins aren't even making the bad signings this offseason. You know what I'm talking about, the Mike Lamb/Adam Everett signings. Ugh.

Then there's the Wolves...

The Gophers might have hope because Tubby Smith is the Chuck Norris of basketball. All must bow down before the college basketball god! The Gophers cracked 19th in the coaches poll and 22nd in the AP poll this afternoon.

So, how will the Vikings lure me back next year. Last year, they enticed me with the anti-Twins approach. Get everything and get it now. Madieu Williams, Bernard Berrian, and Thomas Tapeh were all brought in. All but Tapeh performed admirably for the Vikings this year. Then came the big splash to get Jared Allen. 16 1/2 sacks later, the Vikings had a division championship. Not bad, but here's what I want done.

1) New Quarterback
I ranted and raved about T-Jack's performance after the Arizona and Atlanta games. But since then, it looks like he's learned nothing about how to handle a blitz. We need a new quarterback ASAP. I'm not sure what pick the Vikings will own, but they should try and get either Stafford or Bradford or another top ranked quarterback EXCEPT TIM TEBOW! I'm not even sure about the free agent options but Matt Cassel does not appeal to me at this point in time. Cassel looks like he's going to be franchised by the Patriots. That didn't stop the Vikings from acquiring Jared Allen, but Cassel isn't worth it. The only reason that Cassel is good right now is because he spent three years in the Patriot system. Give most QB's that much time to learn a system and they'll play well when they get their chance. (Aaron Rodgers) T-Jack isn't the answer. Get someone who can make a read please.

2) Fix the right side of the offensive line
Anthony Herrera and Ryan Cook both suck. As does Artis Hicks. We need some depth along the offensive line in a hurry. While taking an offensive lineman might not be a sexy pick, this draft is loaded with them. Mix in the fact that Matt Birk could be leaving as a free agent and we have a problem.

3) Get a cornerback to play aside Antoine Winfield
This could be wishful thinking, but the Vikings could use another solid cornerback to take our pass defense to the next level. The secondary will already lose Darren Sharper to free agency, but they also have Tyrell Johnson to replace him. If the Vikings get another corner, our defense could be downright scary come September.

Honorable Mention: Get another wide receiver (or a healthy Sidney Rice) and get a new coach.

Despite how much I rant and rave about the Vikings, I will do what I always do in July. That's head down to Mankato, watch them practice, maybe pick up an autograph or two, plop on the couch for the first preseason game in August, and pray that 2009 is the year the Vikings win their first Super Bowl.