Circle This, Mother @#$%^&!!!

I am a proud Minnesotan. Nobody should make a mistake about that. Like I said in a recent interview, I bleed all kinds of Minnesota colors including pissing "Minnesota Gold." However, after living in Wisconsin a little while, I can see that we are entertained very easily.

For example, in Minnesota we just go out into the middle of nowhere to go drink beer and maybe, we'll get an opportunity to shoot a deer. We also saw a body of water freeze, and we decided to throw on some ice skates and glide around on it. Don't get me wrong, we're very creative, especially in the winter months, but we're very easily entertained.

Which leads me to a tradition on a Minnesota sports broadcast. No, I'm not talking about G.B. Leighton's "Twins Territory" song. (Oh yuck it's in my head again. "We got Mauer and Morneau...sometimes it might snow! Out at Target Field, yeah the wind it just might blow! MINNEAPOLIS! ROCHESTER! WINONA!!! Ugh..) I'm talking about Circle Me Bert.

Circle Me Bert made it's debut shortly after the Twins renissance in 2002. Some Minnesotan was very desperate to get on TV, so he made a sign that ordered Twins color commentator Bert Blyleven to circle him with the telestrator. Bert obliged, and it opened up the freakin floodgates. There was even a song that was almost worse than G.B. Leighton's monstrosity about the damn thing! (Couldn't find it folks...YouTube has let me down...)

Here's the thing, Twins fans...you are NOT being creative with your signs. I've seen many better signs than your Circle Me Bert signs. For example, at Wrestlemania XXVI last month, there were signs such as "HHH fears Divorce", "Boo This Man!", and my personal favorite "It's still real to me, God dammit!!!"

Another thing is, I don't care that it's your 50th birthday, especially since there are bars to celebrate your 50th birthday at a Twins game now. You seriously should be at the Town Ball Tavern with this song blaring in between innings. (I also think this should be the celebration song for home runs instead of "Let's Go Crazy" by Prince) I also don't care about Batchelor parties unless one of the members literally throws up on Robbie Incmikowski (Spelling is horribly off, I'm sorry, folks. His name seriously makes me miss Telly Hughes). I don't care about barmitzvahs or wedding anniversaries, we all go to Twins games to celebrate that stuff and "getting circled" isn't going to make your event better or worse.

This ridiculous concept has also leaked onto video games. If you have ever watched a replay on Madden, you may have noticed that there is a fan holding up a sign that says "Circle Me Madden." At this point, we need to take some advice from the late, great Owen Hart. "Enough is Enough and it's time for a change!!!"

Stop bringing your signs to the ballpark unless it's creative. No more "I want Mauer in the Shower, Circle Me Bert" or "Square Me Bert", or "I just got divorced, Circle Me Bert!" (Actually, bring the last one, that would be awesome.) There's much more we can do with this.

My favorite three "Circle Me Bert" moments...

#3 - My buddy brings a sign that has Dick Bremer's picture all over it. The message on the sign? "I Love Dick."

#2 - A man brings a giant picture of Dick Bremer and implores Bert to "Circle My Dick."

#1 - Two gorgeous women are in the Home Run Porch holding up two signs. One has a sign that says "I like Bert Better." The other one? "I like Dick better." I'm sure you do!

So let's get creative here guys, Circle Me Bert needs to die, let's get entertaining!!!

2010 Drunken NFL Draft Chronicles

6:00 - Yes it's that time of the year again. Although it's on a Thursday, it still can't take away the specialness of the NFL Draft. I am ready to go for this thing. I purchased TWO forties (Mickey's and Miller High Life) and have prepared for munchies with some delicious wings from Dick's Fresh Market in River Falls, (EXCELLENT PASTA SALAD, BTW!) We got some Brats boiling in beer, and life is good. At 6:30, I will be cracking the first 40 and be detailing every thought I have during the NFL Draft. Stay tuned...

6:13 - Couldn't wait until the draft officially started. I feel like Tiger Woods searching for the right club (or Tiger Woods in the club searching for the right girl to do the Anti-Tebow). We're going with Mickeys and hit the ground running. While this is going on they are introducing the NFL Draft All-Stars. Out of these "All-Stars" they introduce John Randle, who was undrafted. So what do you actually have to do to be a NFL draft star? I'm confused...

6:21 - They just introduced Drew Brees as the cover athlete for Madden 2011. With the Vikings traveling to the Saints week one and how the Saints took cheap shot after cheap shot at Favre, Brees will break his leg after week 1. In other news, they just saw the Claussen residence. They're really rich. They're eating doughnuts for dinner. Let's not forget that Erin Andrews is AT THEIR HOUSE!!!! Good thing she's not at Ben Roethlisberger's or we might have another lawsuit on our hands.

6:25 - Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay will fight by the end of the night. This is like watching Blake Karas and Miles Nelson after a case of beer. Stay tuned.

6:26 - Blake Karas just announced via text that with the first pick of the draft, he will be selecting Colt 45. Also, Michael Smith has announced that Mike Holmgren is going to offer his entire draft for the #1 overall pick. Did he hire Mike Ditka as a consultant?

6:31 - Chris Berman yells way too much. If Crishad thinks you yell too much, you really do.

6:32 - Roger Goodell introduces the 75th NFL Draft. He does with as much charisma as a guest host for Monday Night Raw.

6:36 - ESPN didn't listen to Steve Linzmeier's pleas last year. They are still showing the draftees answering their phones before they're drafted. Damn! THE PICK IS IN!!!

6:37 - With the first pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, the St. Louis Rams select...Sam Bradford. ESPN jumps the gun again and throws his name on the graphic before Goodell announces it. Don't they understand we like suspense? If this were the Yankees drafting they wouldn't have shown us anything, for they control the sports universe (and ESPN).

6:43 - Fuck, the Lions took Ndamukong Suh. This means that Brett Favre may indeed be killed on a football field. Thanks Rams, enjoy Sam Bradford. Detroit may finally be getting some luck in the draft. If Millen were still running that team, Dez Bryant would be off the board by now...sigh.

6:47 - Ndamukong supposedly means "House of Spears" in his native language. SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR!!! Sorry couldn't help myself. In other news, Coors Light has introduced a big tap thing so you can have draft beer at your house. What a great idea. It's better than having a beer that tells me when it's cold because most people are morons who can't tell warm and cold.

6:50 - Gerald McCoy on his phone...he's going to the Bucs. McCoy wins the regional jackpot here. I would rather live in Tampa Bay than St. Louis or Detroit. On a secondary note, Detroit is second to last on my list, slightly ahead of Gary, Indiana.

6:52 - McCoy is crying. What the hell is wrong with kids these days? THERE'S NO CRYING IN FOOTBALL!!! Unless you're Tim Tebow...

6:55 - Holy shit the sirens are going off. Now all bets are truly off. Who told the city about our party???

6:57 - THEY CUT FROM THE DRAFT!!!! THEY'RE SHOWING US THE HUDSON MIDDLE SCHOOL LUNCH MENU RIGHT NOW??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

6:59 - We missed the pick. This is bullshit. We come back to see Trent Williams holding a Redskins jersey. I assume they took him...

7:02 - Trent Williams was asked by Mike Shanahan if he was ready to be great. "You know, I heard this Ben guy likes to have a lot of fun, so I'm not ready for that at this time..."

7:05 - The Chiefs are going to take Eric Berry. Wow. I'm not having much luck with my mock draft right now. Lesson learned. Don't write your mock drafts on the Monday before the draft. I love this pick though. Berry is going to be mint!!!

7:20 - Missed a lot there. Russel Okung went to Seattle. Boring pick. Now things will get interesting. The Cleveland Browns are on the clock. Meanwhile, I would like to give a shoutout to R.J.'s Meats in Hudson, WI. We got some polish sausages from there for our draft get together and I'll tell you what. They are AMAZING!!! Food is the winner today!!!

7:22 - They show Joe Haden crying on camera. To the naked eye, it appears he's overjoyed. The truth is he's pissed off about going to Cleveland.

7:24 - The Raiders are on the clock. Something fucked up is about to go down!!!

7:27 - We've figured out a scenario to explain Erin Andrews at Jimmy Claussen's house. Remember when your sister's hot friend came over? Yeah, it's like that.

7:28 - Here we go...the Oakland Raiders select...ROLANDO MCCLAIN!!! Wow...what a curveball...the Raiders finally make a good pick! I AM STUNNED!!!

7:31 - First shock of the draft. C.J. Spiller will not be a Seahawk and he is pissed about it. Say goodbye to Beast Mode, Buffalo!

7:36 - Miles can't handle his first 40. He tells me that his eyes are all squinty. Now it's getting fun.

7:38 - The Jaguars get the Justin Harrel Award. They take Tyson Alualu with the 10th overall pick. He is listed as 8th on Scout.com's DT rankings. They must have just seen the Cal/Minnesota game last fall. They might as well have taken Tebow now.

7:40 - Here we go! The first trade of the evening. The Broncos and 49ers have swapped picks. It's all good from Diego to the Bay, your city is the bomb if your city makin' pay. Throw your finger in the air if you feel the same way. Dre' throwing it down for Cali-forn-i-a. Uffda, the 40s are getting to me... Turns out the Niners traded their second rounder as well. With the Niners take Jim...Anthony Davis! Solid pick, he'll make great bookends with Joe Staley.

7:45 - Dolphins trade their pick to the Chargers! Are they going to take Ryan Matthews this early???

7:50 - It's official, the Chargers took Ryan Matthews. Apparently, the smoke screens choked the Chargers out. Matthews just hit the salary jackpot!

7:52 - ANOTHER TRADE!!! Philly traded two 3rd rounders to Denver. They're going to take Earl Thomas from Texas! Another solid move!!! I'M GETTING WAY TOO EXCITED!!!!

7:57 - Brandon Graham goes to Philly instead, I'm surprised. The Texans must be shitting bricks at this point.

8:06 - Earl Thomas goes to Seattle. His 40 time was about 4.5, my 40 time is going to be about 2 hours. I need to get faster...

8:17 - Jason Pierre-Paul is ready to be a New York Giant. He's already at the club ready to party. Let's just hope the gun in his pants doesn't go off and shoot him in the thigh. Too soon?

8:18 - They show an ad for the Double Down sandwich at KFC. How the hell does a chef think of this? "Yeah, I got an idea. Let's have two chicken patties and throw shit in between em!" BRILLIANT! What will they think of next? A pizza without crust? A giant blob of cheese? For all of this, I may want to get one before the night is out.

8:25 - Packer fans, drown your sorrows! Mike Iupati is off the board! On the other side of things, the 49ers now have 3 first round picks on their offensive line.

8:28 - FUCK!!! Maurkuice Pouncey is off the board. With Suh in Detroit, we really needed to get some bad ass interior lineman. Now both of them are gone. I think the window of opportunity is opening to draft Jimmy Clausen.

8:40 - Jenn Brown makes an appearance. If you haven't seen her yet, Google her. She's not an Erin Andrews knockoff by any means. I'm talking to you, Carrissa Thompson.

8:43 - RYAN BREHMER HAS ARRIVED!!! THE LION IS IN THE HOUSE!!! Now if only Steve Linzmeier could grow a spine. You know the McShay/Kiper rivalry? Think of that...times 100.

8:46 - The Patriots don't want Dez Bryant. They just traded down to Denver who took a WR...named Demaryius Thomas...wow how the mighty have fallen. The Pats pick after the Packers here. You know they should just forefit their pick...they have Aaron Rodgers and that's all that matters, isn't it Packer fans?

8:49 - So the next guy I hate for the next 13 years is....Brian Bulaga. A big corn fed mother fucker. It's just a matter of time before Jared Allen whips his ass!

8:57 - Just watched the Jared Allen video where he was gonna beat some guys ass. That guy should be very afraid. Meanwhile, Dez Bryant continues to fall, let's see what happens. DALLAS TRADES UP!!! Dez Bryant goes to Dallas. Gee, did Deion have something to do with this?

9:02 - The bottom line is broke! Now all the people with lives won't be able to see who was taken before Dez Bryant...uh oh!

9:03 - Some veterans are shown on stage. Chris Berman doesn't sound enthusiastic about it. Maybe he's a spy from the Russians. Kill him.

9:05 - Oh my God! The Broncos took Tim Tebow...OH MY GOD!!! WE HAVE ANOTHER SHOCKER!!! I NEED MORE BEER!!!

9:12 - Tim Tebow is now reciting a John Cena promo. To paraphrase "I LOVE ALL MY FANS AND I WILL NEVER GIVE UP AND TRY REALLY HARD AND BE A ROLE MODEL!!!!" In other news, Brady Quinn is trying to hang himself right now, more at 10.

9:17 - Damn, Dan Williams has been taken by the Arizona Cardinals. This sucks because if the Vikings had drafted him, the Williams Wall would have continued past Pat's retirement. Also, it's getting harder to type. Thank God we only have one round tonight...ugh!

9:30 - The DT are flying off the board! It's looking like it's going to come down to Mount Cody or Jimmy Clausen. I say Clausen, personally!

9:39 - The Vikes are up and Jimmy Clausen is on the board. Will they take him? Or Mount Cody? Here we go!!!

9:43 - Vikings trade pick to Lions. There will be no first round pick for your Minnesota Vikings. A little dissapointing. Did Favre write a note saying, "Write Yes if you like me." The Lions are going to take Javid Best. Second Packer snub of the night!!!

9:52 - Gruden curses on air! The draft is complete...

9:59 - Just got told by five people to shut the fuck up. Draft's going well...

10:04 - Let's have Drew Brees read the last pick. I'll be honest. FUCK DREW BREES! Hey, you have something on your cheek...wait, it's just evidence God hates you. I'm sick of the Saints, I want to beat their ass. Jared Allen kill...kill...KILL!!!!!!!!!

Well, that was a happy ending to the first round of the draft. But, we're done. An entertaining first round. I'm debating whether or not to do a second round chronicles. Stay tuned folks!!!

Crishad's 2010 NFL Mock Draft

It's that time of year again. The time where I get up early on a Saturday morning and, to quote Steve Linzmeier, drink 40's like they run 40's. Oh wait, Roger Goodell put moving the NFL Draft just below "Punish Big Ben" and above "Negotiate New Collective Bargaining Agreement" and this year it will be on Thursday.

For those of you who haven't heard, the draft will now start on Thursday night at 6:00 CST. On Thursday, the masses will be treated to the first round. The next night, the NFL will have the 2nd round of its draft and on Saturday will be your senseless 3rd to 7th round draft picks. The NHL has used this formula in the past and if I'm the NFL, I want to be just like the NHL. (They locked out too you know?)

Before I get into my mock draft, I'd also like to remind you that on Tuesday, the NFL will FINALLY unveil it's 2010 schedule. Every stinkin' game. It is highly likely, that the New Orleans Saints will open the season on Thursday night at home. Their opponent would likely be...the Minnesota Vikings. If it winds up happening, I have some words for that matchup, however, let's take a look at the draft!

1. St. Louis Rams: Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma
The Rams have passed up two franchise QBs in the past couple years, they won't pass up a third.

2. Detroit Lions: Ndmukong Suh, DT, Nebraska
The Lions get the best defensive prospect in a long time to fall into their lap at 2. That's good news for the NFC North!

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma
They could go for Eric Berry here, but McCoy reminds the Bucs brass a lot about a former DT named Warren Sapp.

4. Washington Redskins: Russel Okung, OT, Oklahoma St.
The Redskins got their QB, now they need to protect him.

5. Kansas City Chiefs: Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma
There's a trend in the top 10 as most of these teams couldn't keep their QBs upright. The Chiefs are no exception.

6. Seattle Seahawks: Brian Bulaga, OT, Iowa
Seems like a reach, but the Seahawks have two first round picks and are in the same boat as the Chiefs.

7. Cleveland Browns: Eric Berry, S, Tennessee
Jimmy Claussen and C.J. Spiller would make sense too, but Eric Mangini is a defensive coach, so he takes the defensive player. Also know that the Browns have talked to the Rams about trading for the #1 pick.

8. Oakland Raiders: Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland
The Raiders are going to take a tackle here, and Bruce Campbell put on a show at the combine. After taking Darius Heyward-Bey last year when there were better WR on the board, I'm not overlooking Al Davis this year.

9. Buffalo Bills: Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers
Another offensive tackle in the first round. Bills could try and go with Claussen, but what's the point if you can't keep him off his ass?

10. Jacksonville Jaguars: Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech
I've heard the Jags want to trade down from this spot, but if they keep it, they'll take a pass rusher.

11. Denver Broncos (f/CHI): Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama
McClain could be the quarterback of Josh McDaniels' 3-4 defense.

12. Miami Dolphins: Brandon Graham, OLB, Michigan
A lot of people say this is a Belichek type player, but the Dolphins are molded like a Belichek team. This makes sense.

13. San Francisco 49ers: Joe Haden, CB, Florida
A lot of experts think Haden's stock is slipping after running two slow 40's at the combine, but I think he would be a great fit in a cover 2 defense. Think Antoine Winfield.

14. Seattle Seahawks (f/DEN): C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson
The worst kept secret in the draft. The Seahawks are one of the few teams with a clear cut need at running back and spiller would give them an explosive playmaker.

15. New York Giants: Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida
They're going to have their eyes set on McClain, so if he's not there, the Giants might trade down.

16. Tennessee Titans: Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee
The Titans missed a bruising force in the trenches last season. They get their replacement for Albert Haynesworth here.

17. San Francisco 49ers (f/CAR): Jimmy Claussen, QB, Notre Dame
It might not be San Francisco that drafts him, but somebody will. The Niners will trade down from this spot, but if they want to get insurance in case Alex Smith falls on his face...let's just say that the last time the Niners took a Notre Dame QB, it went OK.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers: Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma St.
Mike Ipuati might be the better pick here, but Pittsburgh is gonna need some flash on offense. They may be without Ben Roethlisberger for a couple of games, but at the same time they just traded Santonio Holmes. With the loss of Willie Parker, the Steelers need some sizzle.

19. Atlanta Falcons: Carlos Dunlap, DE, Florida
I don't know why teams continue to love Florida DE as most of them have flopped recently, but Atlanta needs help there and Dunlap is the best available on the board.

20. Houston Texans: Earl Thomas, CB/S, Texas
The Texans will want him to play his primary position, corner, to replace Dunta Robinson, who took the cash in Atlanta.

21. Cincinnati Bengals: Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma
Another Sooner in the first round. Gresham tore his ACL last season, but the Bengals need to find a pass catching tight end to make things easier for Chad Ochocinco and company.

22. New England Patriots: Sean Weatherspoon, OLB, Missouri
Sergio Kindle could also get taken here too, but I think that Weatherspoon is more fit to play OLB in a 3-4 scheme.

23. Green Bay Packers: Mike Ipuati, G, Idaho
Another Packer great, Jerry Kramer, played his college ball at Idaho too. With a division filled with the Williams Wall, Ndmukong Suh, and Tommie Harris, the Packers might want to try and upgrade that interior line.

24. Philadelphia Eagles: Everson Griffen, DE, USC
The Eagles usually trade down, so we'll see if somebody falls, or wants to reach for someone. Otherwise, the Eagles will be looking for help at defensive end.

25. Baltimore Ravens: Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers
This is the guy I'd like to see the Vikings get, but I don't think it's going to happen. McCourty would be a perfect fit for someone in a cover 2 scheme and while the Ravens play an attacking scheme, McCourty can also hold his own in one-on-one coverage.

26. Arizona Cardinals: Sergio Kindle, OLB, Texas
Karlos Dansby bolted for Miami, so the Cardinals will need to look to replace his production.

27. Dallas Cowboys: Taylor Mays, S, USC
I've heard that the Cowboys don't want to take him, but they want to trade down if McCourty is already taken. If someone wants to take a risk on Mays, they might throw some picks at the Cowboys who will also look to upgrade at offensive tackle.

28. San Diego Chargers: Ryan Matthews, RB, Fresno State
They need a replacement for LT, and it's not going to be Darren Sproles. Matthews is a workhorse back who can take the carries that LT took for many years in San Diego.

29. New York Jets: Jared Odrick, DT, Penn State
At this point, I'm guessing, but Kris Jenkins is old and coming off a torn ACL injury, so some depth there would be nice. They also want an OLB, but there isn't much to write home about at this point. This could be a prime spot to trade up to if a team were interested in...oh...a certain quarterback from Florida?

30. Minnesota Vikings: Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State
Now, this is the smart pick. Cedric Griffin tore his ACL in the NFC Championship game and while Childress loves Tim Tebow, it may be too early to take him. The other wrench in that thought process is that Rick Spielman doesn't want to take him. They also could try and upgrade that interior line and take Maurkice Pouncey (C/G Florida) and throw him at right guard to replace Anthony Herrera. OR the Vikings could take a DT like Bryan Price or Terrance Cody to ease the Vikings into Pat Williams eventual retirement. Whichever way the Vikings go, I'm sure I'll be surprised or dissapointed.

31. Indianapolis Colts: Kareem Jackson, CB, Alabama
The Colts would like to replenish their depth in the secondary as they traded away Marlin Jackson, however Jerry Hughes (OLB, TCU) could also be taken at this spot.

32. New Orleans Saints: Bryan Price, DT, UCLA
Todd McShay likes him, and the Saints defense is in shambles after a majority of their players saw their contracts run out after the Super Bowl. They'll look to add a playmaker in the trenches.

So there you have it. I'm hoping that this will be a busy week on the blog so I hope you won't miss it. Once the schedule gets released, I'll break down the Vikings and Packers schedules, among with many other things. Then on Thursday Night, we'll have the 4th annual Drunken Draft Chronicles with an edited, more thought-out version on Friday morning (I hope...)

Why Crishadamania Is Important To Sports

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm not sure if you know this, but this is an important week in sports and all across the world. You see this week, there is a huge event. This event is very interesting and everyone is looking towards their one moment. It is the showcase of the craptacular. It is Crishadamania.

Crishadamania has technically been around for 24 years, but the name was officially coined in time for Crishadamania XXII. This year will mark Crishadamania XXIV and like every year, it has a profound impact on professional sports. How is this? My birthday inspires mediocre athletes.

Take a look at Crishadamania XXIII. The Twins were taking on the Toronto Blue Jays at the big inflatable toilet. The game went into extra innings and late in the game, Joe Crede came up to the plate and smacked a game winning home run. This would probably be the only memorable moment during Joe Crede's tenure with the Twins, as he spent the rest of the season hitting around .220 and becoming a fixture on the disabled list.

At Crishadamania XXII, not only did the Minnesota Wild defeat the Colorado Avalanche in the Stanley Cup Playoffs, but Carlos Gomez robbed a home run from a Cleveland Indian (Grady Sizemore maybe?) This is one of the weaker Crishadamania's but it gets better.

Crishadamania XXI. Oh this was the big one! The Twins hosted the Tampa Bay DEVIL Rays. A pitcher for the Twins shut down the Rays lineup and earned his first win as a Twin. He was the number five starter that year and wouldn't last past May before being designated for assignment. His name was Sidney Ponson.

And even at Crishadamania XX, the Yankees were shut down by a young Scott Baker, back when he was incredibly inconsistent. Even a wardrobe malfunction couldn't stop Baker. (The story goes that Baker was pitching when his nut cup fell out of place and went down his leg. Baker called timeout and Joe Mauer came to the mound and Baker told him what happened. Mauer's response was simply, "What do you want me to do about it?" Good stuff.)

So, as you can see, Crishadamania is truly the showcase of the craptacular. So what will happen this year? I have four words to make my prediction: Nick Punto Grand Slam. Oh yes, I threw it out there...