6:00 - Yes it's that time of the year again. Although it's on a Thursday, it still can't take away the specialness of the NFL Draft. I am ready to go for this thing. I purchased TWO forties (Mickey's and Miller High Life) and have prepared for munchies with some delicious wings from Dick's Fresh Market in River Falls, (EXCELLENT PASTA SALAD, BTW!) We got some Brats boiling in beer, and life is good. At 6:30, I will be cracking the first 40 and be detailing every thought I have during the NFL Draft. Stay tuned...
6:13 - Couldn't wait until the draft officially started. I feel like Tiger Woods searching for the right club (or Tiger Woods in the club searching for the right girl to do the Anti-Tebow). We're going with Mickeys and hit the ground running. While this is going on they are introducing the NFL Draft All-Stars. Out of these "All-Stars" they introduce John Randle, who was undrafted. So what do you actually have to do to be a NFL draft star? I'm confused...
6:21 - They just introduced Drew Brees as the cover athlete for Madden 2011. With the Vikings traveling to the Saints week one and how the Saints took cheap shot after cheap shot at Favre, Brees will break his leg after week 1. In other news, they just saw the Claussen residence. They're really rich. They're eating doughnuts for dinner. Let's not forget that Erin Andrews is AT THEIR HOUSE!!!! Good thing she's not at Ben Roethlisberger's or we might have another lawsuit on our hands.
6:25 - Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay will fight by the end of the night. This is like watching Blake Karas and Miles Nelson after a case of beer. Stay tuned.
6:26 - Blake Karas just announced via text that with the first pick of the draft, he will be selecting Colt 45. Also, Michael Smith has announced that Mike Holmgren is going to offer his entire draft for the #1 overall pick. Did he hire Mike Ditka as a consultant?
6:31 - Chris Berman yells way too much. If Crishad thinks you yell too much, you really do.
6:32 - Roger Goodell introduces the 75th NFL Draft. He does with as much charisma as a guest host for Monday Night Raw.
6:36 - ESPN didn't listen to Steve Linzmeier's pleas last year. They are still showing the draftees answering their phones before they're drafted. Damn! THE PICK IS IN!!!
6:37 - With the first pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, the St. Louis Rams select...Sam Bradford. ESPN jumps the gun again and throws his name on the graphic before Goodell announces it. Don't they understand we like suspense? If this were the Yankees drafting they wouldn't have shown us anything, for they control the sports universe (and ESPN).
6:43 - Fuck, the Lions took Ndamukong Suh. This means that Brett Favre may indeed be killed on a football field. Thanks Rams, enjoy Sam Bradford. Detroit may finally be getting some luck in the draft. If Millen were still running that team, Dez Bryant would be off the board by now...sigh.
6:47 - Ndamukong supposedly means "House of Spears" in his native language. SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR!!! Sorry couldn't help myself. In other news, Coors Light has introduced a big tap thing so you can have draft beer at your house. What a great idea. It's better than having a beer that tells me when it's cold because most people are morons who can't tell warm and cold.
6:50 - Gerald McCoy on his phone...he's going to the Bucs. McCoy wins the regional jackpot here. I would rather live in Tampa Bay than St. Louis or Detroit. On a secondary note, Detroit is second to last on my list, slightly ahead of Gary, Indiana.
6:52 - McCoy is crying. What the hell is wrong with kids these days? THERE'S NO CRYING IN FOOTBALL!!! Unless you're Tim Tebow...
6:55 - Holy shit the sirens are going off. Now all bets are truly off. Who told the city about our party???
6:57 - THEY CUT FROM THE DRAFT!!!! THEY'RE SHOWING US THE HUDSON MIDDLE SCHOOL LUNCH MENU RIGHT NOW??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???
6:59 - We missed the pick. This is bullshit. We come back to see Trent Williams holding a Redskins jersey. I assume they took him...
7:02 - Trent Williams was asked by Mike Shanahan if he was ready to be great. "You know, I heard this Ben guy likes to have a lot of fun, so I'm not ready for that at this time..."
7:05 - The Chiefs are going to take Eric Berry. Wow. I'm not having much luck with my mock draft right now. Lesson learned. Don't write your mock drafts on the Monday before the draft. I love this pick though. Berry is going to be mint!!!
7:20 - Missed a lot there. Russel Okung went to Seattle. Boring pick. Now things will get interesting. The Cleveland Browns are on the clock. Meanwhile, I would like to give a shoutout to R.J.'s Meats in Hudson, WI. We got some polish sausages from there for our draft get together and I'll tell you what. They are AMAZING!!! Food is the winner today!!!
7:22 - They show Joe Haden crying on camera. To the naked eye, it appears he's overjoyed. The truth is he's pissed off about going to Cleveland.
7:24 - The Raiders are on the clock. Something fucked up is about to go down!!!
7:27 - We've figured out a scenario to explain Erin Andrews at Jimmy Claussen's house. Remember when your sister's hot friend came over? Yeah, it's like that.
7:28 - Here we go...the Oakland Raiders select...ROLANDO MCCLAIN!!! Wow...what a curveball...the Raiders finally make a good pick! I AM STUNNED!!!
7:31 - First shock of the draft. C.J. Spiller will not be a Seahawk and he is pissed about it. Say goodbye to Beast Mode, Buffalo!
7:36 - Miles can't handle his first 40. He tells me that his eyes are all squinty. Now it's getting fun.
7:38 - The Jaguars get the Justin Harrel Award. They take Tyson Alualu with the 10th overall pick. He is listed as 8th on Scout.com's DT rankings. They must have just seen the Cal/Minnesota game last fall. They might as well have taken Tebow now.
7:40 - Here we go! The first trade of the evening. The Broncos and 49ers have swapped picks. It's all good from Diego to the Bay, your city is the bomb if your city makin' pay. Throw your finger in the air if you feel the same way. Dre' throwing it down for Cali-forn-i-a. Uffda, the 40s are getting to me... Turns out the Niners traded their second rounder as well. With the Niners take Jim...Anthony Davis! Solid pick, he'll make great bookends with Joe Staley.
7:45 - Dolphins trade their pick to the Chargers! Are they going to take Ryan Matthews this early???
7:50 - It's official, the Chargers took Ryan Matthews. Apparently, the smoke screens choked the Chargers out. Matthews just hit the salary jackpot!
7:52 - ANOTHER TRADE!!! Philly traded two 3rd rounders to Denver. They're going to take Earl Thomas from Texas! Another solid move!!! I'M GETTING WAY TOO EXCITED!!!!
7:57 - Brandon Graham goes to Philly instead, I'm surprised. The Texans must be shitting bricks at this point.
8:06 - Earl Thomas goes to Seattle. His 40 time was about 4.5, my 40 time is going to be about 2 hours. I need to get faster...
8:17 - Jason Pierre-Paul is ready to be a New York Giant. He's already at the club ready to party. Let's just hope the gun in his pants doesn't go off and shoot him in the thigh. Too soon?
8:18 - They show an ad for the Double Down sandwich at KFC. How the hell does a chef think of this? "Yeah, I got an idea. Let's have two chicken patties and throw shit in between em!" BRILLIANT! What will they think of next? A pizza without crust? A giant blob of cheese? For all of this, I may want to get one before the night is out.
8:25 - Packer fans, drown your sorrows! Mike Iupati is off the board! On the other side of things, the 49ers now have 3 first round picks on their offensive line.
8:28 - FUCK!!! Maurkuice Pouncey is off the board. With Suh in Detroit, we really needed to get some bad ass interior lineman. Now both of them are gone. I think the window of opportunity is opening to draft Jimmy Clausen.
8:40 - Jenn Brown makes an appearance. If you haven't seen her yet, Google her. She's not an Erin Andrews knockoff by any means. I'm talking to you, Carrissa Thompson.
8:43 - RYAN BREHMER HAS ARRIVED!!! THE LION IS IN THE HOUSE!!! Now if only Steve Linzmeier could grow a spine. You know the McShay/Kiper rivalry? Think of that...times 100.
8:46 - The Patriots don't want Dez Bryant. They just traded down to Denver who took a WR...named Demaryius Thomas...wow how the mighty have fallen. The Pats pick after the Packers here. You know they should just forefit their pick...they have Aaron Rodgers and that's all that matters, isn't it Packer fans?
8:49 - So the next guy I hate for the next 13 years is....Brian Bulaga. A big corn fed mother fucker. It's just a matter of time before Jared Allen whips his ass!
8:57 - Just watched the Jared Allen video where he was gonna beat some guys ass. That guy should be very afraid. Meanwhile, Dez Bryant continues to fall, let's see what happens. DALLAS TRADES UP!!! Dez Bryant goes to Dallas. Gee, did Deion have something to do with this?
9:02 - The bottom line is broke! Now all the people with lives won't be able to see who was taken before Dez Bryant...uh oh!
9:03 - Some veterans are shown on stage. Chris Berman doesn't sound enthusiastic about it. Maybe he's a spy from the Russians. Kill him.
9:05 - Oh my God! The Broncos took Tim Tebow...OH MY GOD!!! WE HAVE ANOTHER SHOCKER!!! I NEED MORE BEER!!!
9:12 - Tim Tebow is now reciting a John Cena promo. To paraphrase "I LOVE ALL MY FANS AND I WILL NEVER GIVE UP AND TRY REALLY HARD AND BE A ROLE MODEL!!!!" In other news, Brady Quinn is trying to hang himself right now, more at 10.
9:17 - Damn, Dan Williams has been taken by the Arizona Cardinals. This sucks because if the Vikings had drafted him, the Williams Wall would have continued past Pat's retirement. Also, it's getting harder to type. Thank God we only have one round tonight...ugh!
9:30 - The DT are flying off the board! It's looking like it's going to come down to Mount Cody or Jimmy Clausen. I say Clausen, personally!
9:39 - The Vikes are up and Jimmy Clausen is on the board. Will they take him? Or Mount Cody? Here we go!!!
9:43 - Vikings trade pick to Lions. There will be no first round pick for your Minnesota Vikings. A little dissapointing. Did Favre write a note saying, "Write Yes if you like me." The Lions are going to take Javid Best. Second Packer snub of the night!!!
9:52 - Gruden curses on air! The draft is complete...
9:59 - Just got told by five people to shut the fuck up. Draft's going well...
10:04 - Let's have Drew Brees read the last pick. I'll be honest. FUCK DREW BREES! Hey, you have something on your cheek...wait, it's just evidence God hates you. I'm sick of the Saints, I want to beat their ass. Jared Allen kill...kill...KILL!!!!!!!!!
Well, that was a happy ending to the first round of the draft. But, we're done. An entertaining first round. I'm debating whether or not to do a second round chronicles. Stay tuned folks!!!
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