The Minnesota Sports Calendar

People have been talking to me as to why I would dare cheer against the Green Bay Packers in the Super Bowl. Well, it's dawned on me that Minnesota sports go through a cycle every year. Wisconsinites (or bandwagon fans who support Wisconsin athletics) don't seem to understand this, so I thought I would pull out the Minnesota sports calendar to show everyone why I get so upset each and every year.
JANUARY
The month kicks off with the yearly dissapointment of the Minnesota Vikings. Sometimes, it will happen before the month begins, but it will happen and usually in the fashion of unusual, excruciating pain. I'm telling you, if the Dallas Cowboys screwed up as painfully as the Vikings have, even the state of Texas, home of the Death Row Express Lane, would outlaw murderers being put through this kind of torture.
2010 Example: Do I have to mention this? 12 men in the huddle? Favre's INT? UGH!

At some point in the middle of the month, the Twins will make what they assume to be a sneaky free agent signing. Odds are that the signing doesn't stick with the club past the end of May, but we've been surprised before.
2010 Example: Twins sign Jim Thome and Orlando Hudson to one year contracts. Thome would be a God send for this team after Justin Morneau goes down, but then Hudson would underperform against his track record.

FEBRUARY
A hated rival of the Vikings and/or a former Viking assistant wins the Super Bowl. If neither of them exist, that rival will at least get to the Super Bowl. At this point, Minnesotans have packed away for a warm tropical vacation for a locationary version of Icy-Hot to cure the pain of another underachieving Viking season.
2010 Example: The Saints (becoming a rival after the NFC Championship which they should have lost) defeat the Indianapolis Colts in the Super Bowl. My parents then take a sunny, fun-filled cruise and forget all about the Viking season...and their psychotic children.

Meanwhile, both the NHL and NBA all-star games go by without any mention of Minnesota sports teams or their players. Why? Cause they're both awful by this point. Even if a player does put up respectable numbers to get to an all-star team, they are snubbed to reward players on teams who don't have 9-34 records.
2010 Example: Al Jefferson has felt the bite of this the past couple of seasons despite putting up 20 points and 10 rebounds every game. This year, Kevin Love may get overlooked despite putting up 20 and 15 per game. Instead, the honors will go to the crippled likes of Tim Duncan and Dirk Nowitzki. There seriously isn't a way to get him in? Take Yao "I've played three games in the past two years, but the Asians vote me in" Ming out and put K-Love in. (SIDENOTE: The Wild have broken this trend getting Brent Burns and Martin Havlat to the all-star game in '11.)

MARCH
Spring training warms up and Twins manager Ron Gardenhire already dislikes one of his players. This will get him a fast track ticket out of town the next offseason, or possibly the mid-season trade deadline.
2010 Example: J.J. Hardy...yeah, I don't know what exactly happened here...

Meanwhile, the Wild and Wolves are finishing off horrible seasons and Minnesotans pray to God that they can land a number one pick in something other than the WNBA.
2010 Example: Both the Wolves and Wild were wildly out of playoff contention by the time March came around.
APRIL
Crishadamania rolls around, featuring a very drunk yours truly and many texts and phone calls flying post-inebriation. This usually occurs at a public event (Twins game) or a bar (current member of the "I Puked In Ground Zero" club).
2010 Example: Crishad goes to Target Field for the first time, and realizes that the beers you buy on the plaza can not go into the stadium. This eventually leads to Crishad screaming uh oh, when he sees a plane flying towards one of the buildings in the downtown skyscraper.

The Twins start their season in a warm weather city and are greeted to Minneapolis with freezing temperatures for their home opener, which for whatever reason features Nick Punto starting in the spot of the player that Gardy didn't like. That's strange.
2010 Example: The Twins were greeted by ridiculously warm temperatures, but Punto, after beginning opening day on the bench, eventually supplants JJ Hardy after a pair of DL trips despite Punto's .220 average.

The Vikings draft and it's pretty solid. Builds up hope for next year. Personally, I think it's always an illusion created by the insane number of forties downed during the first round. We drink the forty like they run the forty!
2010 Example: The Viking draft sucked, creating somewhat of a panic. Well...we all know Brett Favre is coming back.

MAY
The NBA holds their annual draft lottery and shockingly enough, the Wolves get a pick lower than they were supposed to get. David Kahn, in disbelief of what "terrible luck" the Wolves have looks at Stern, who says something that the bad guy in the Temple of Doom said. Must be the Joe Smith deal.
2010 Example: The Wolves, slated to have the 2nd best chance of getting the #1 pick aka John Wall, fall to 4th.

The Twins make their first trip to Yankee Stadium, where they try to exorcise the demons of past playoff appearances. The Twins usually get swept, but when they do win a game against the damn Yankees, it's portrayed as if it actually means something come October.
2010 Example: Jason Kubel hits a grand slam off Mariano Rivera in the 8th inning to give the Twins their first win at Yankee Stadium since 2006. The Twins claim it will help their confidence in October if they meet in the postseason.

JUNE
A quarterback starts to get the itch to play again. Usually, this quarterback is a old superstar quarterback looking for one last shot at glory. On occasion, the Vikings will bring a free agent in to play quarterback as a sneaky signing in place of one on the retirement list. At the same time, the Viking brass insists that they have a quarterback of the future waiting in the wings that has been learning this entire time.
2010 Example: Brett Favre starts to get that itch, and Tarvaris Jackson has been learning on the sideline.

The Wild select someone that A) Nobody knows how to pronounce his name correctly or B) Nobody has ever heard of but they say he's good. He is almost always a Finnish robot or a French-Canadian with awesome potential.
2010 Example: Wild select Mikael Granlund. A lot of people like this guy, and yes, he is a Finn. Pretty soon the entire Finland national team will be comprised of Minnesota Wild players.

The Wolves select someone that will dissapoint 3/4 of their fan base. Most of the damage had already been done in the draft lottery, but the fans hold out hope that this guy could really be the answer in the post-Kevin Garnett era.
2010 Example: Wolves select Wes Johnson, who wasn't Derrick Favors or DeMarcus Cousins.

The Twins run into a pitching rut, and are suddenly in search for a trade to add an arm. Turns out that having five #3 starters, although cost-effective, is not the same as having one or two dominant arms to lead the mediocre group.
2010 Example: Kevin Slowey, Scott Baker, and Nick Blackburn are all garbage.

JULY
It gets hotter than hell outside.
2010 Example: Beer was really tasty

The Vikings begin training camp with questions across the board, but hopes are high. Maybe this is the year we don't choke!
2010 Example: Brett Favre...will he or won't he? Vikings predicted to make a run at the Super Bowl.

The Twins begin a second half surge to try and catch the team that actually thinks April and May are important in winning a division. The Twins front office, knowing that a trade would help bolster their roster, does absolutely nothing OR makes a lopsided trade in which they give up a promising prospect for a sack of balls.
2010 Example: Wilson Ramos, one of the Twins highly ranked prospects gets traded for Matt Capps.

The Wolves make a play on people to justify all the cap room they have. All parties decline.
2010 Example: Rudy Gay and David Lee

AUGUST
Viking preseason begins and the team looks like they could be good, if not great. If quarterback hasn't shown up yet, he is convinced to return after hellacious attempts.
2010 Example: Favre returns after Vikings send four players to go get him. Vikings look decent in preseason.

Twins players start to wonder what the hell Ron Gardenhire is thinking. For the 50th straight game, he writes Punto in the 9 hole of the batting order over the more talented player.
2010 Example: Well, this didn't happen in 2010, but it will in 2011. Think about it, by the time May comes around, Punto will be hitting .200 for the Cardinals and they'll release him. The Twins will pounce on this and sign Punto to a minor league contract, but he gets fast tracked to the majors instead. Bye bye Casilla! Bye Bye Yoshii (Tsyoshii Nishioka)!

SEPTEMBER
Twins finally catch the team ahead of them in the standings and win the American League Central. During the celebration, several players mention how "They haven't accomplished anything" and "This year will be different."
2010 Example: Twins win the AL Central and say those things during the celebration.

A) The Vikings get off to a blazing fast start OR B) The Vikings get off to a horridly slow start.
2010 Example: B

OCTOBER
The Twins go into the playoffs and get absolutely destroyed by A) A team they should have beaten or B) The New York Yankees. Series always ends in sweep. After deciding game, Gardy explains that they "ran into a buzzsaw" and the team "did not quit" despite being rolled by more than 5 runs in the deciding game. However, all fans want to hear is that he shouldn't have had Punto bat cleanup in all three games.
2010 Example: Yankees sweep Twins and Gardy plays the part perfectly.

A shocking event off the field de-rails the Vikings season. This can range from a boat party to players not getting along with the coach and quitting on them.
2010 Example: Both. Brett Favre took a picture of his Danny Woodhead and Randy Moss wanted to kill Brad Childress in front of ESPN cameras.

The Timberwolves and Wild both start the season to low expectations. The Wild continue a string of sell outs despite their tickets being outrageously overpriced. Meanwhile the Wolves open up to 8,000 fans at the Target Center.
2010 Example: No information available, but Wild predicted to finish dead last in the West this season.

NOVEMBER
Viking fans start to tie nooses, on occasion, the Vikings skip this part, but things are really starting to go downhill at this point. Viking ownership grumbles about new stadium.
2010 Example: Did you watch the Viking/Packer games this year???

The Wild get off to a surprising start. Despite only 12 games being played, Dan Terhaar and Mike Greenlay mention that the Wild would be in first place of the Western Conference if the season ended today. Kevin Gorg also mentions how much he wished horse racing was a winter sport.
2010 Example: Wild able to win on road, which majority of games were played in November.

The Wolves get off to terrible start. Fans already start watching college basketball to see which players David $tern won't let them pick after the draft lottery.
2010 Example: Wolves get 5 wins in November, but 6 just since.

Ron Gardenhire begins pounding on GM Bill Smith's office to convince him to bring an underachieving player back or to overpay one that just had a monster season.
2010: Gardy rants and screams to bring back Nick Punto...but it didn't work out that way. Did it?

DECEMBER
It's really cold. Almost depressing.
2010: Cold is replaced by snow, destroying everything in sight...including the big inflatable toilet.

The Vikings choke in massive proportions. (If scenario A occurs in December, this waits until January) Viking fans kick and scream as the Packers thrive and mock all sad Viking fans.
2010: Vikings were already done by December. It was just excruciating to watch them flop around like fish. Rough times.

Wolves and Wild plod on in obscurity.
2010: Same.

And finally, as a New Years Revolution, Minnesota fans pledge not to get so worked up about sports the following year.
2010: Resolution broken in January after Packers win.

Sore Sport

First of all, I would like to congratulate the Green Bay Packers on winning the Super Bowl...oh, I'm sorry, they haven't technically won the Super Bowl yet, but they're going to. I've mentioned this before in my post confirming that they were God's team.

(Editor's note: Apparently Vince Lombardi had already mentioned that the Packers were God's team. Hey, sometimes you try to coin something and then you find out it's already there, crap.)

But, they'll play the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Super Bowl that gives me hope. The Steelers are a very good team. Their defense is incredible. There is nothing I would like to see more than to have Troy Polamalu reach his hair over the top of the suddenly amazing Packer offensive line and whip him around like Bam Bam on the Flintstones.

However, let's not make this about the teams on the field. Let's talk about me for a second. I hate this.

Packer fans got a one week repreive from my usual hatred towards the John Deere Cult, mainly because I knew the Bears weren't that good...or tough for that matter, Mr. Cutler. But the next two weeks, it's on.

I am going to try everything and anything to root against the Green Bay Packers in the Super Bowl. If you're a Packer fan, you should be fine with that. You don't need me because not only do you have the loyal die-hard packer fans, but you also have all the closet Packer fans that come out when any team gets that far. The entire state of Wisconsin is going to glow green and gold for the next two weeks. Bravo, the Packers are one of the elite groups of fans in the NFL, but with that...

They're also the most entitled when they get into this situation. Yes, the Vikings sucked this year. I got past that after the Packers destroyed the Vikings at the Metrodome in November. However, Packer fans just love reminding me of that. Unfortunately, my favorite hat at the moment is a white Viking hat, which has triggered even old ladies at the grocery store to yell "GO PACK GO" at the top of their lungs. Again, you've deserved it.

But I deserve to cheer against you. I don't give a damn because it's the NFC North. I don't care that you're a midwestern team taking on a eastern team. (Pittsburgh is just as blue collar as Green Bay by the way) I'm going to cheer against you because I can't take the throngs of Packer fans screaming "FOUR Super Bowls" at me. Call me insecure, I don't care.

Take last night for example. Step one of my plan is to blast the rap hit "Black and Yellow" non-stop over the next two weeks.

(This might be the worst rap song that I don't mind listening to since Dorrough's "Ice Cream Paint Job." The lyrics are just as elementary...consider this.

Ice Cream Paint Job: "Rearview mirror! Jumbo dice! Trunk hit hard like Kimbo Slice!"
Black and Yellow: "Uh huh, you know what it is. Everthing I do, I do it big. [Followed later by repeated mentions of Black and Yellow]

Yeah, that awesome.)

My roomate, walking into a birthday card that blasted "We Are The Champions" was met by this and the Hulk appeared.

"TURN THAT SHIT OFF, YOU HAVE NO CONNECTION WITH THAT TEAM!!!"

Hmm, so it's OK to get drunk and scream Go Pack Go at the top of your lungs in a grocery store, but the second I cheer against you I'm about to get shot? Interesting. I can only imagine what will happen when I go to a local bar with my brand new Terrible Towel. I'm going to get beat worse than a Packer wife after the Circus Peanuts weren't cooked enough.

(Sidenote: The Steelers have been my fantasy defense for the majority of the past couple of years, Mike Tomlin should have been the Vikings coach after being their defensive coordinator, and they're playing my least favorite team. Yup, there's a connection there.)

So over the next two weeks, don't take any of this personally, but I strongly hate your team. If Mason Crosby missed a chip shot in the Super Bowl, I would laugh hysterically. I want your team to die a slow, painful death. And like I said, you don't need me. If you win, you can laugh, gloat, etc. in my face because you would now have four Super Bowls to brag about.

And as I've mentioned before, that's probably going to happen.

God's Team

Well, I've come up for one possible reason why the Minnesota Vikings didn't capitalize on their window of opportunity this season.

No, it's not the fact that the team had glaring weaknesses that the front office didn't address like the fact that Bryant McKinnie is a fat piece of crap and should be replaced...or shot.

No, it's not that Brad Childress lost the entire locker room.

No, it's not that the Vikings sucked so much that the roof caved in on the Metrodome. I'll let you figure that one out.

Nope, it's because the Green Bay Packers are God's Team.

Think about it. How many lucky breaks have the Packers gotten throughout my lifetime? The Antonio Freeman catch on Monday Night Football? Nathan Freaking Poole? Getting Brett Favre? And not the old, washed up, flashing pictures of his cash and prizes, whiny, sack bag the Vikings got. Think the 2009 Favre. Oh yeah, and then there's Aaron Rodgers falling straight into their lap.

Remember Rodgers was fighting Alex Smith for the #1 pick that year in the draft...AND HE FELL TO 24!!! Yes, the Vikings got Adrian Peterson at 7 when he was supposed to go at 3 to Cleveland. Rodgers fell 23 spots and now is Ron Burgandy good. I can just see Aaron Rodgers saying "You know what. I'm good." Stepping over the MN-WI border and screaming "HEY EVERYONE! COME AND TAKE A LOOK AT HOW GOOD I AM!!!"

God loves this team. When I die in an accident at a pro wrestling event, I'll get up to those pearly gates and see God with a Cheesehead, an Aaron Rodgers jersey (he gave his old Favre one to the devil for Christmas), a G force flag, and cheese-block slippers. At that moment, I know I'm not getting in.

And this is why this year has happened. The ridiculous amount of injuries that the Packers have suffered this year proves it. Jermichael Finley...DEAD! Nick Barnett...DEAD! Ryan Grant...DEAD!!! To quote Christian Bale in the final Terminator which shouldn't exist..."THEY'RE ALL DEAD!!!!" (Ironically, the Packers make me want to quote Christian Bale in a different fashion that I can't exactly post on this blog.)

The crappy thing about this, is that the Packers could actually win the Super Bowl. Don't get this as pessimism, but think about it. The Packers took the Atlanta Falcons to the brink before a massive kickoff return and facemask penalty gave the Falcons a game winning field goal. That game could have easily gone the Packers way.

The remaining teams? Seattle played a perfect game against the Saints, and will need to do the same Sunday against the Bears. Should they win, they'll have homefield advantage in the NFC Championship game at 7-9. Ouch. Still, the Packers have way more talent than the Seahawks and could win in a hostile environment.

The Packers are also a better team than the Bears. I could get into a huge rant about how overrated the Bears are, and I kind of want to see this NFC Championship game because one idiot fanbase will attack the other all week. Take this with a grain of salt...the first meeting, the Packers committed 18 penalties (and the last one, a lateral fest to end the game, was completely worth it). The second meeting, the Packers played a defensive game and forced the erratic Jay Cutler into a game clinching interception. I would take the Packers in a NFC matchup.

On the AFC side, the Packers have more offensive firepower than the Ravens or Steelers, and when it comes to the Patriots, well the Packers only lost by three points...WITH MATT FLYNN AT QUARTERBACK!!! Nobody strikes the fear of God into opposing defenses like Matt Flynn. And he doesn't even start.

So, there you have it. The Green Bay Packers will win the Super Bowl. Rogers will win MVP and he'll grab Gisele Bundschen (or Brady...whichever it is.) plow her at the 50, look into the camera and scream "I'M AARON RODGERS AND I'M SO HAPPY!"

And up in heaven, God will be sitting there with a can of Milwaukee's Best smiling down on his team.

NFL Playoff Thoughts and Rants

The Wild Card round of the NFL playoffs are now done and over with, and I've been too lazy to write anything for about the past couple of weeks...or maybe it hasn't been that long. Anyways, there's been too much action to keep silent any longer. Here's what I'm thinking about the NFL these days.

Andrew Luck Returns For Junior Season
A lot of people were surprised that Luck decided not to go pro after the smooth performance he had in the Orange Bowl and his 32 TD, 7 INT season for the Cardinal this year. I was not among that group.

Let's be honest here. Luck goes to STANFORD, which is an academic school. He has some sort of brain, and most importantly, he's still a kid. He can do what he wants. Luck is currently studying architecture and wants to finish his degree. This is refreshing, because most people who leave early are looking towards girls, cash, and fame. Luck probably knows that one hit could derail his promising career, so he's going to try and install his backup plan now rather than later in his life.

I also think this will help his draft stock even more barring injury. It shows character on his part to go back to school to obtain an education rather than to enjoy the college experience like other players have done. I'm looking at you Matt Leinart.

It may even help an NFL team...maybe one wearing purple. The top of the draft is loaded with teams looking to take a quarterback. By the time the Vikings get there, there may not be a quality signal caller left. So what if the Vikings went O-Line or defense, and then have a bad season next year? Suddenly, they could be in the mix for a top pick, and let's say Luck regresses enough for his stock to drop. This is far fetched, but I'm just sayin.

The NFC Playoffs: Seahawks "stun" Saints; Packers defeat Eagles
First, let's take a look at the New Orleans/Seattle matchup. This turned out to be a really good game, but I think that people overblew the whole 7-9 thing.

The Seahawks did what they did to get into the playoffs. The rules are the rules. So don't whine that they're in the playoffs. Don't cry that they get a home playoff game (and could have home field in the NFC Championship game should they and Green Bay win this weekend). And don't cry for the Saints, who simply were not as good as they looked on paper.

The Saints ran into one of the best home field advantages in football at Qwest Field. When fans come into the stadium carrying signs that just say "False Start", it might get loud. The Seahawks had some advantage coming into this game and no matter how bad the NFC West was, they won their division and got in.

By the way, the Seahawks do hold a victory over the Chicago Bears from earlier this season...at Soldier Field.

As for the Saints, a team that is incredibly one dimensional does not advance in the playoffs. The Saints were screwed turning to a half-healthy Reggie Bush to get anything on the ground. (Also, is it time we start calling Bush a bust? This guy was supposed to be the next Barry freakin' Sanders.)

In the other matchup, the Green Bay Packers took care of the Philadelphia Eagles. I don't have much to say about this. The Packers went into another rough stadium, and took out one of the best teams in the playoffs. Perhaps it's time that Philly gets some O-Lineman to protect their new franchise quarterback.

The Packers go to Atlanta, which could be a de facto NFC Championship game. Last time these teams met, it was a barn burner which came down to the last second. I expect nothing less this time around.

AFC Playoffs: Ravens rout Chiefs; Sanchez Saves The Jets
Well, the Ravens kicked the Chiefs ass. They'll go to Pittsburgh where it might as well be a Exploding C4 deathmatch with barbed wire lining the boundaries. You like physical football? Watch this game.

And Sexy Sanchez finally pulled his head out of his butt to lead the Jets over the Colts. Rex Ryan finally got to Peyton Manning. Cool. Sad thing is that now ESPN will dedicate 97% of its coverage to the Jets/Patriots matchup on Sunday. Safe to say you will know the game is on Sunday as well as every meaningless quote flown insulting the Patriots from the Jets locker room.