Sore Sport

First of all, I would like to congratulate the Green Bay Packers on winning the Super Bowl...oh, I'm sorry, they haven't technically won the Super Bowl yet, but they're going to. I've mentioned this before in my post confirming that they were God's team.

(Editor's note: Apparently Vince Lombardi had already mentioned that the Packers were God's team. Hey, sometimes you try to coin something and then you find out it's already there, crap.)

But, they'll play the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Super Bowl that gives me hope. The Steelers are a very good team. Their defense is incredible. There is nothing I would like to see more than to have Troy Polamalu reach his hair over the top of the suddenly amazing Packer offensive line and whip him around like Bam Bam on the Flintstones.

However, let's not make this about the teams on the field. Let's talk about me for a second. I hate this.

Packer fans got a one week repreive from my usual hatred towards the John Deere Cult, mainly because I knew the Bears weren't that good...or tough for that matter, Mr. Cutler. But the next two weeks, it's on.

I am going to try everything and anything to root against the Green Bay Packers in the Super Bowl. If you're a Packer fan, you should be fine with that. You don't need me because not only do you have the loyal die-hard packer fans, but you also have all the closet Packer fans that come out when any team gets that far. The entire state of Wisconsin is going to glow green and gold for the next two weeks. Bravo, the Packers are one of the elite groups of fans in the NFL, but with that...

They're also the most entitled when they get into this situation. Yes, the Vikings sucked this year. I got past that after the Packers destroyed the Vikings at the Metrodome in November. However, Packer fans just love reminding me of that. Unfortunately, my favorite hat at the moment is a white Viking hat, which has triggered even old ladies at the grocery store to yell "GO PACK GO" at the top of their lungs. Again, you've deserved it.

But I deserve to cheer against you. I don't give a damn because it's the NFC North. I don't care that you're a midwestern team taking on a eastern team. (Pittsburgh is just as blue collar as Green Bay by the way) I'm going to cheer against you because I can't take the throngs of Packer fans screaming "FOUR Super Bowls" at me. Call me insecure, I don't care.

Take last night for example. Step one of my plan is to blast the rap hit "Black and Yellow" non-stop over the next two weeks.

(This might be the worst rap song that I don't mind listening to since Dorrough's "Ice Cream Paint Job." The lyrics are just as elementary...consider this.

Ice Cream Paint Job: "Rearview mirror! Jumbo dice! Trunk hit hard like Kimbo Slice!"
Black and Yellow: "Uh huh, you know what it is. Everthing I do, I do it big. [Followed later by repeated mentions of Black and Yellow]

Yeah, that awesome.)

My roomate, walking into a birthday card that blasted "We Are The Champions" was met by this and the Hulk appeared.

"TURN THAT SHIT OFF, YOU HAVE NO CONNECTION WITH THAT TEAM!!!"

Hmm, so it's OK to get drunk and scream Go Pack Go at the top of your lungs in a grocery store, but the second I cheer against you I'm about to get shot? Interesting. I can only imagine what will happen when I go to a local bar with my brand new Terrible Towel. I'm going to get beat worse than a Packer wife after the Circus Peanuts weren't cooked enough.

(Sidenote: The Steelers have been my fantasy defense for the majority of the past couple of years, Mike Tomlin should have been the Vikings coach after being their defensive coordinator, and they're playing my least favorite team. Yup, there's a connection there.)

So over the next two weeks, don't take any of this personally, but I strongly hate your team. If Mason Crosby missed a chip shot in the Super Bowl, I would laugh hysterically. I want your team to die a slow, painful death. And like I said, you don't need me. If you win, you can laugh, gloat, etc. in my face because you would now have four Super Bowls to brag about.

And as I've mentioned before, that's probably going to happen.