The Minnesota Sports Calendar

People have been talking to me as to why I would dare cheer against the Green Bay Packers in the Super Bowl. Well, it's dawned on me that Minnesota sports go through a cycle every year. Wisconsinites (or bandwagon fans who support Wisconsin athletics) don't seem to understand this, so I thought I would pull out the Minnesota sports calendar to show everyone why I get so upset each and every year.
JANUARY
The month kicks off with the yearly dissapointment of the Minnesota Vikings. Sometimes, it will happen before the month begins, but it will happen and usually in the fashion of unusual, excruciating pain. I'm telling you, if the Dallas Cowboys screwed up as painfully as the Vikings have, even the state of Texas, home of the Death Row Express Lane, would outlaw murderers being put through this kind of torture.
2010 Example: Do I have to mention this? 12 men in the huddle? Favre's INT? UGH!

At some point in the middle of the month, the Twins will make what they assume to be a sneaky free agent signing. Odds are that the signing doesn't stick with the club past the end of May, but we've been surprised before.
2010 Example: Twins sign Jim Thome and Orlando Hudson to one year contracts. Thome would be a God send for this team after Justin Morneau goes down, but then Hudson would underperform against his track record.

FEBRUARY
A hated rival of the Vikings and/or a former Viking assistant wins the Super Bowl. If neither of them exist, that rival will at least get to the Super Bowl. At this point, Minnesotans have packed away for a warm tropical vacation for a locationary version of Icy-Hot to cure the pain of another underachieving Viking season.
2010 Example: The Saints (becoming a rival after the NFC Championship which they should have lost) defeat the Indianapolis Colts in the Super Bowl. My parents then take a sunny, fun-filled cruise and forget all about the Viking season...and their psychotic children.

Meanwhile, both the NHL and NBA all-star games go by without any mention of Minnesota sports teams or their players. Why? Cause they're both awful by this point. Even if a player does put up respectable numbers to get to an all-star team, they are snubbed to reward players on teams who don't have 9-34 records.
2010 Example: Al Jefferson has felt the bite of this the past couple of seasons despite putting up 20 points and 10 rebounds every game. This year, Kevin Love may get overlooked despite putting up 20 and 15 per game. Instead, the honors will go to the crippled likes of Tim Duncan and Dirk Nowitzki. There seriously isn't a way to get him in? Take Yao "I've played three games in the past two years, but the Asians vote me in" Ming out and put K-Love in. (SIDENOTE: The Wild have broken this trend getting Brent Burns and Martin Havlat to the all-star game in '11.)

MARCH
Spring training warms up and Twins manager Ron Gardenhire already dislikes one of his players. This will get him a fast track ticket out of town the next offseason, or possibly the mid-season trade deadline.
2010 Example: J.J. Hardy...yeah, I don't know what exactly happened here...

Meanwhile, the Wild and Wolves are finishing off horrible seasons and Minnesotans pray to God that they can land a number one pick in something other than the WNBA.
2010 Example: Both the Wolves and Wild were wildly out of playoff contention by the time March came around.
APRIL
Crishadamania rolls around, featuring a very drunk yours truly and many texts and phone calls flying post-inebriation. This usually occurs at a public event (Twins game) or a bar (current member of the "I Puked In Ground Zero" club).
2010 Example: Crishad goes to Target Field for the first time, and realizes that the beers you buy on the plaza can not go into the stadium. This eventually leads to Crishad screaming uh oh, when he sees a plane flying towards one of the buildings in the downtown skyscraper.

The Twins start their season in a warm weather city and are greeted to Minneapolis with freezing temperatures for their home opener, which for whatever reason features Nick Punto starting in the spot of the player that Gardy didn't like. That's strange.
2010 Example: The Twins were greeted by ridiculously warm temperatures, but Punto, after beginning opening day on the bench, eventually supplants JJ Hardy after a pair of DL trips despite Punto's .220 average.

The Vikings draft and it's pretty solid. Builds up hope for next year. Personally, I think it's always an illusion created by the insane number of forties downed during the first round. We drink the forty like they run the forty!
2010 Example: The Viking draft sucked, creating somewhat of a panic. Well...we all know Brett Favre is coming back.

MAY
The NBA holds their annual draft lottery and shockingly enough, the Wolves get a pick lower than they were supposed to get. David Kahn, in disbelief of what "terrible luck" the Wolves have looks at Stern, who says something that the bad guy in the Temple of Doom said. Must be the Joe Smith deal.
2010 Example: The Wolves, slated to have the 2nd best chance of getting the #1 pick aka John Wall, fall to 4th.

The Twins make their first trip to Yankee Stadium, where they try to exorcise the demons of past playoff appearances. The Twins usually get swept, but when they do win a game against the damn Yankees, it's portrayed as if it actually means something come October.
2010 Example: Jason Kubel hits a grand slam off Mariano Rivera in the 8th inning to give the Twins their first win at Yankee Stadium since 2006. The Twins claim it will help their confidence in October if they meet in the postseason.

JUNE
A quarterback starts to get the itch to play again. Usually, this quarterback is a old superstar quarterback looking for one last shot at glory. On occasion, the Vikings will bring a free agent in to play quarterback as a sneaky signing in place of one on the retirement list. At the same time, the Viking brass insists that they have a quarterback of the future waiting in the wings that has been learning this entire time.
2010 Example: Brett Favre starts to get that itch, and Tarvaris Jackson has been learning on the sideline.

The Wild select someone that A) Nobody knows how to pronounce his name correctly or B) Nobody has ever heard of but they say he's good. He is almost always a Finnish robot or a French-Canadian with awesome potential.
2010 Example: Wild select Mikael Granlund. A lot of people like this guy, and yes, he is a Finn. Pretty soon the entire Finland national team will be comprised of Minnesota Wild players.

The Wolves select someone that will dissapoint 3/4 of their fan base. Most of the damage had already been done in the draft lottery, but the fans hold out hope that this guy could really be the answer in the post-Kevin Garnett era.
2010 Example: Wolves select Wes Johnson, who wasn't Derrick Favors or DeMarcus Cousins.

The Twins run into a pitching rut, and are suddenly in search for a trade to add an arm. Turns out that having five #3 starters, although cost-effective, is not the same as having one or two dominant arms to lead the mediocre group.
2010 Example: Kevin Slowey, Scott Baker, and Nick Blackburn are all garbage.

JULY
It gets hotter than hell outside.
2010 Example: Beer was really tasty

The Vikings begin training camp with questions across the board, but hopes are high. Maybe this is the year we don't choke!
2010 Example: Brett Favre...will he or won't he? Vikings predicted to make a run at the Super Bowl.

The Twins begin a second half surge to try and catch the team that actually thinks April and May are important in winning a division. The Twins front office, knowing that a trade would help bolster their roster, does absolutely nothing OR makes a lopsided trade in which they give up a promising prospect for a sack of balls.
2010 Example: Wilson Ramos, one of the Twins highly ranked prospects gets traded for Matt Capps.

The Wolves make a play on people to justify all the cap room they have. All parties decline.
2010 Example: Rudy Gay and David Lee

AUGUST
Viking preseason begins and the team looks like they could be good, if not great. If quarterback hasn't shown up yet, he is convinced to return after hellacious attempts.
2010 Example: Favre returns after Vikings send four players to go get him. Vikings look decent in preseason.

Twins players start to wonder what the hell Ron Gardenhire is thinking. For the 50th straight game, he writes Punto in the 9 hole of the batting order over the more talented player.
2010 Example: Well, this didn't happen in 2010, but it will in 2011. Think about it, by the time May comes around, Punto will be hitting .200 for the Cardinals and they'll release him. The Twins will pounce on this and sign Punto to a minor league contract, but he gets fast tracked to the majors instead. Bye bye Casilla! Bye Bye Yoshii (Tsyoshii Nishioka)!

SEPTEMBER
Twins finally catch the team ahead of them in the standings and win the American League Central. During the celebration, several players mention how "They haven't accomplished anything" and "This year will be different."
2010 Example: Twins win the AL Central and say those things during the celebration.

A) The Vikings get off to a blazing fast start OR B) The Vikings get off to a horridly slow start.
2010 Example: B

OCTOBER
The Twins go into the playoffs and get absolutely destroyed by A) A team they should have beaten or B) The New York Yankees. Series always ends in sweep. After deciding game, Gardy explains that they "ran into a buzzsaw" and the team "did not quit" despite being rolled by more than 5 runs in the deciding game. However, all fans want to hear is that he shouldn't have had Punto bat cleanup in all three games.
2010 Example: Yankees sweep Twins and Gardy plays the part perfectly.

A shocking event off the field de-rails the Vikings season. This can range from a boat party to players not getting along with the coach and quitting on them.
2010 Example: Both. Brett Favre took a picture of his Danny Woodhead and Randy Moss wanted to kill Brad Childress in front of ESPN cameras.

The Timberwolves and Wild both start the season to low expectations. The Wild continue a string of sell outs despite their tickets being outrageously overpriced. Meanwhile the Wolves open up to 8,000 fans at the Target Center.
2010 Example: No information available, but Wild predicted to finish dead last in the West this season.

NOVEMBER
Viking fans start to tie nooses, on occasion, the Vikings skip this part, but things are really starting to go downhill at this point. Viking ownership grumbles about new stadium.
2010 Example: Did you watch the Viking/Packer games this year???

The Wild get off to a surprising start. Despite only 12 games being played, Dan Terhaar and Mike Greenlay mention that the Wild would be in first place of the Western Conference if the season ended today. Kevin Gorg also mentions how much he wished horse racing was a winter sport.
2010 Example: Wild able to win on road, which majority of games were played in November.

The Wolves get off to terrible start. Fans already start watching college basketball to see which players David $tern won't let them pick after the draft lottery.
2010 Example: Wolves get 5 wins in November, but 6 just since.

Ron Gardenhire begins pounding on GM Bill Smith's office to convince him to bring an underachieving player back or to overpay one that just had a monster season.
2010: Gardy rants and screams to bring back Nick Punto...but it didn't work out that way. Did it?

DECEMBER
It's really cold. Almost depressing.
2010: Cold is replaced by snow, destroying everything in sight...including the big inflatable toilet.

The Vikings choke in massive proportions. (If scenario A occurs in December, this waits until January) Viking fans kick and scream as the Packers thrive and mock all sad Viking fans.
2010: Vikings were already done by December. It was just excruciating to watch them flop around like fish. Rough times.

Wolves and Wild plod on in obscurity.
2010: Same.

And finally, as a New Years Revolution, Minnesota fans pledge not to get so worked up about sports the following year.
2010: Resolution broken in January after Packers win.