State of Horse@#$%

I'd like to clarify something before I start. This is not a whiny piece of how awful Minnesota sports are, this is just a collective thought on how bad everyone is. With that...

When the Minnesota Wild were first born in 2000, they needed a new marketing slogan that would unify it's fan base. In a move that would rival "WWE Universe" as the corniest name for it's fans ever, the Wild chose the "State of Hockey" because of the tradition that Minnesota has with the game. (Need a break to projectile vomit into the toilet here...)

Ten years later, the self proclaimed STATE OF HOCKEY is in disarray. Not just because the Wild will miss the playoffs for the second consecutive year, but across the board, it looks like a big monkey crossed over from Wisconsin, took a crap and out popped the Minnesota professional and college teams.

First, we have the Minnesota Vikings. Oh, where do I begin with this mess? After a euphoric "I can't believe this is happening" season. The Vikings put together a miserable "I can't believe this is happening" season.

All the pieces were in place, and then all hell broke loose. Sidney Rice got hurt. Percy Harvin started having migranes. Jenn Sterger rammed her big fat booty right into Brett Favre's head. The Vikings tried a quick fix by bringing in Randy Moss...who was released three weeks later. The ownership became delusional in Brad Childress' ability to lead a football team. They got stomped by the Green Bay Packers twice, their stadium got deflated, and oh yeah...THE PACKERS WON THE SUPER BOWL!

Misery rating on a 1 to 10 scale? A 15 considering the Vikings had the talent to go to the Super Bowl and BOOM!

Well, at least there's college football...oh @#$%!

This wasn't as dissapointing as the Vikings were. The Gophers weren't supposed to be good, but Tim Brewster sold the team like they could go to the Rose Bowl...again.

A good take was made on the Common Man program that Tim Brewster didn't actually know how to coach, so he just watched movies and learned that way. When you think about it, that may be spot on. He sprang Remember the Titans style lines that instilled hope into "Gopher Nation" (also top 3 in lamest fan nicknames ever) only to have the team underachieve because he didn't know what he was doing.

U of M athletic director Joel Maturi fired Brewster after the Purdue game and promised a "Tubby Smith type hire" and fantasies started running through our heads.

Gary Patterson? Chris Petersen? Tony Dungy? Mike Leach? Nope. Jerry freakin' Kill.

Granted, he's looked a lot better since he sounds like a man with a plan compared to Brewster. Brewster could get top talent, but he could never develop them. Kill throws rankings in the garbage and develops his players. Plus, he has head coaching experience and duh...winning! (Kill has won in all of his stops as a head coach) The future may be slightly brighter at TCF Bank Stadium than some may think, but the general outlook is still dismal. Especially with an opener at USC coming up on the schedule.

So then we hit the ice for an intriguing season of Minnesota Wild hockey. Ugh...

The Wild hung in the playoff race for most of the season, so you have to give them that, but the overall state of...the organization is in complete chaos as their still paying for Doug Reisbrough's mistakes.

Riesbrough tried to trade Pierre Marc-Bouchard and couldn't, so he gave him a long term $4 million a year contract. Instead of filling holes through the minor league system, Reisbrough dealt the future away for guys like Pavol Demitra. (Worked for a season, and then...nothing) Most importantly, Reisbrough let Brian Rolston and Marian Gaborik walk away for nothing.

So when Chuck Fletcher inherited this salary cap mess, he inherited a team without a go-to scorer or any significant role players for that matter. Which is where we are today.

Yes, Fletcher has made mistakes, like the Cam Barker trade, but he's also made solid rookie finds and draft picks so far. We won't know about Mikael Granlund til next year, but he's doing well in Sweden. Guys like Jared Spurgeon, Cody Almond, and Casey Wellman have all looked good in the system, and remember the name Jason Zucker, the Wild's second round pick last year. He currently leads the WCHA in goals for Denver...as a freshman.

Hope is here too, but it's still miserable.

And what about the winter sport in Minneapolis? (I need to vomit again.)

The Timberwolves have had one significant story this season: Kevin Love's double-double streak. Other than that, it's been quiet at the Target Center.

Love's emergence has been overshadowed by a 50-60 loss season and another upcoming screwjob in the NBA draft. (As of today, the Wolves should have the second most ping pong balls in the lottery, I bet they get fourth again.) Kurt Rambis may be fired, and there aren't any signs of things getting better in the near future.

You can point to the draft all you want, but while I think it's deeper than some people think, there is no real superstar to build your team around like a Kevin Durant or John Wall as there has been with the top pick in recent seasons.

Others have pointed to the arrival of Ricky Rubio. Not going to happen, folks. I was somewhat optimistic about it until Rubio discussed the possibility of staying in Spain another year in case of a lockout. In other words, Justin Bieber's twin brother said "I want no part of playing in Minnesota." I would be STUNNED if Rubio ever dons a Wolves jersey. Yes, the Wolves could trade his rights this offseason, but what in the club's recent past says that they won't screw this up? The outlook here is abysmal.

Then, we go back to Dinkytown. After the Wisconsin Badgers trip to the Rose Bowl, a song called "Teach Me How To Bucky" emerged. T-shirts popped up all over the place, and it was a pretty good bit. But of course Minnesota has to rebuttle....sigh.

Crank Dat Gopher Boy. Good. God. Almighty. There are a couple issues I have with this.

1) Minneapolis has some pretty talented rappers, and they couldn't reach out to one of them to help them put together something good?

2) So we're slamming the Badgers huh? Let's check the scorecard.

Football: Blown away at Camp Randall, Badgers get to Pasedena

Basketball: Gophers started well, but then Point Guard and Coach go psychotic and team goes 17-14 and misses the tournament...THE NIT TOURNAMENT!!! Meanwhile, the Badgers are in the Sweet 16.

Hockey: Swept by Badgers.

So in the sports that matter, we've been #lolraped by Wisconsin. AND WE'RE TALKING TRASH??? REALLY??? REALLY???

The one saving grace is that the Joel Maturi will be retiring in about 15 months. This can not come sooner, believe me.

And after all of this, as the snow melts aw...@#$%!!! Well, the Twins are coming soon. Yes, they've lost in the first round, and no another first round exit would not be acceptable.

BUT...at least the Twins have some hope. They have two superstars (Mauer, Morneau) who could carry the team, with some promising players on the horizon (Delmon Young, Kyle Gibson) who are in contention to win a championship each season. Even if it's a division championship, look at how long it's been since other teams have done it...

Vikings: 2009
Gopher Football: 1967
Wild: 2007-08
Timberwolves: 2003-04
Gopher Basketball: 1981-82
Gopher Hockey: 2006-07
Twins: 2010

When you look at it that way, it's not half bad.

Point is, I can't take this anymore. Everybody sucks. The state of Minnesota needs the Twins to give everyone a team that they can get behind and be proud of. Will they be able to do it? Nobody knows as it's only spring training, but as they say in baseball: Hope springs eternal in the Spring.