Dear Wisconsin,

I'll be honest about this. I hate you and you hate me, but I have a suggestion for you that would benefit both of us. We need to band together and reach our common goals. Over our time as rabid sports fans, I know I haven't been the most supportive towards you, but we need to band together as one and declare war on the city of Chicago.

Chicago is the arm pit of the sports universe. (Notice how I'm giving that to Chicago instead of Detroit because Detroit is just plain the armpit of the entire world.) Their fans are abnoxious, loud, and most importantly incredibly intoxicated and worthless. The players that play there

aren't the loveable ones such as Kirby Puckett and um...uh...well I guess Wisconsin never had a loveable athlete (Brett Favre doesn't count because he was more like Oscar the Grouch than Elmo.) but in Chicago they have guys like AJ Pierzynski and Brian Urlacher. All of this makes you want to go down there and punt some superfan in the skull.

Every time you turn on the TV, you see something about the Chicago teams. Sometimes it's discrete such as ESPN showing another Ozzie Guillen rant. Most of which go something along the lines of "Mynameah Ozzie Guillen f@#$myfans butthefans they love me because i say f@#$my fans!" and then he spews out about 30 undecipherable sentences. Then there are the obvious ones such as Brian Urlacher's commercial for Old Spice. "MY NAME BRIAN URLACHER!! I PLAY DA FOOTBALL AND I HIT HARRRRRD!!! BRIAN URLACHER WEAR DA SWAGGER! WHO LAUGH NOW? URLACHER LAUGH NOW! HEHEH! SWAGGER!" Then there's the "We love AJ" moment where he acts like a moron and gets jacked in the face and nobody knows why the other guy did it.

Their fans are ridiculously moronic. "Yeah the Bears are going to da Super Bowl because they got their Cutler guy and if only they had some guy running the show. Like a certain coach Ditka." The baseball fans on the north side cheer for the White Sox despite their manager having a hatred for them. The fans on the South side whine more than Vikings fans. Bulls and Blackhawks fans aren't too bad, but back in the day the Blackhawks hated the North Stars so we can still hate them today.

Finally, the media is the biggest collective group of homers on the planet. Jay Marriotti is the slime of the universe. Every time I see him on Around the Horn, I just picture him stuffing his face full of Chicago style pizza like the pig he is. He acts like he is the all knowing figure in sports. Oh, and have you heard that Dane Cook joke about the sound that makes us punch infants? Here's mine...

"YOU CAN PUT IT ON THE BOAAAARRRRRD YESSSS!" As a matter of fact, I'm not alone here as Kent Hrbek once had a fued with Sox announcer Hawk Harrelson over his homerish ways.

Basically, we need to eliminate the city so arrogant that they need their own ESPN website. (The third city to recieve that honor as ESPN New York/Boston has been around since 1979.) Next time you see a Chicago fan stuffing his face with polish sausage talking about how Chicago is the greatest city ever. Why don't you stuff his face with something else? Your fist.