Cheering For A Lockout?

Dear Mr. Goodell,

I am a lifelong fan of the Minnesota Vikings. Yes, I am one of God's most pitiful creatures and at times, I feel like I'm in a trailer park trash relationship.

I am abused, I threaten to leave, and then the Vikings do something that makes me think about coming back, and then I do. I'm in the absolute threshold of hell.

Which is why I'm asking you one huge favor. Take some time aside from punishing players from celebrating, wearing the wrong socks, etc. and hit those guys where it really hurts. LOCK THEM OUT!!!

I know that I've been a huge advocate for sitting down and working something out, but at this point maybe it would benefit me if I had a forced vacation from football.

You have understand what I just went through. I saw a team get predicted to go to the Super Bowl, then flop, choke, and toil around until they went 5-11 with a bunch of ego driven, heartless morons and then watched our biggest rival win the Super Bowl. It's time.

A lockout would mean so much to me, you'd have no idea. First of all, it would sabotage the supposed dynasty looming in Green Bay. Just think about it, how many newspapers would salavate ten years from now by writing: The Green Bay Packers: The Dynasty That Never Was. I get chills just thinking about it.

Plus, I could give you a picture of my Vikings, but it would be me popping a squat and taking a picture of the excrement. After a season of bitchy players and senseless dick picks to media sluts, I've had enough for a while of this team.

Besides, they don't even have a place to play. What are you going to do? Torture us even more by making us watch a season of Vikings football without booze at their games. They're the Vikings. WE NEED THE BOOZE TO TOLERATE THIS! A lockout would strike one more problem off the league's list.

Not to mention, the Vikings could move away when the state legislature gets offended because of the lockout. I can hear them now, "Well, we consider Minnesota to be a first class city, but we don't want to put any money into anything that could make it better." This would be like taking Old Yeller back behind a shed and putting him out of his misery.

And don't worry, we don't need football. We're the mother f'ing STATE OF HOCKEEEEY!!! for God sake. We'll find other ways to occupy our senseless Sundays of missed field goals, stupid coaching decisions, mind boggling interceptions, and straight up unbearable pain. And if you're thinking God wants us to suffer, I'm sure he could just decide to continue the Twins string of consecutive playoff losses. We'll battle our tails off.

So go tell those players to screw off! Don't go and give those retired players who deserve a lot of money for making the NFL what it is today! As a matter of fact, do what you're good at FINE THEIR ASS!

And if you do reach an agreement, we'll probably come right back and sell out the Metrodome. Just like lambs going into a slaughterhouse. Thank you for your time.

Signed,
One Depressed Football Fan