I think everyone knew this was coming at some point. As you may have heard, Brett Favre is probably going to join the Minnesota Vikings. His arm is now pain free and he's throwing pretty well. It even looks like the Vikings already have settled on a contractual agreement with the future hall of fame quarterback. So happy days are here again huh? Apparently some slob radio personalities have been planning Super Bowl parade routes. I should be excited right?
Well, no. This is something that most people in my situation don't understand. For example, fellow WRFW commentator Renee Thony and I had a conversation about this and Ms. Thony left the conversation wondering just exactly what my mom smoked while she was pregnant. So, because I'm a man of many words, I'm going to let you into my thoughts and show you just why exactly I hate Brett Favre...
1) I was trained to hate Brett Favre since I was 8.
Have you ever seen the Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns gets a hold of Santa's Little Helper and turns him into a ruthless killing machine by showing him videos of dogs getting abused? Well, I'm pretty sure that my uncles have done the same to me by showing me just what exactly Favre has done to make Viking fans lives miserable. It's a fact of life. How do you cheer for someone that you've hated for so long? That'd be like some random guy who cheated on your wife for about 15 years coming over and wanting to be friends with you to get back at the wife. That might actually be pretty confusing but I'm sure you get the point...
2) I'm jealous of the success that Brett Favre has had in his career.
I'll admit this, I would love to have a young Brett Favre on my team. The guy is the best statistical quarterback in NFL history. He leads in touchdowns, passing yards, and, of course, interceptions. However the biggest thing that I'm jealous about is that Favre has a certain ring on his finger. No Viking can claim that unless if they have jumped ship at some point during their career.
3) Everyone not in Minnesota or Chicago loves Brett Favre.
I didn't put Detroit in here because Detroit would love for anything good to happen to them right about now. If Brett Favre became the Lions quarterback, they would have a parade before the season even started. Anyways, I can make this point by mentioning one name: John Madden. I just love watching national television broadcasts with Brett Favre...
Sunday Night Football:
Madden: You know, Green Bay is a great team because they have Brett Favre. Brett Favre is Brett Favre and when you have a guy like Brett Favre, you have Brett Favre. When you don't have Brett Favre you arghhahahahaham don't have Brett Favre!
Cris Collinsworth: Brett Favre is just one of those special players, he's like the Dhali Llama out there. I mean, I should know because I played.
Monday Night Football:
Mike Tirico: BRETT FAVRE TO GREG JENNINGS!!! WHAT A GREAT MAN!!!
Ron Jaworski: Well you see, Brett Favre has mastered the art of time travel which enabled him to teleport to overtime and throw that touchdown by manipulating the pythagorean theorum of quarterbacking that simply states that the speed of the ball multiplied by the speed of the reciever and the distance of the ball to the 93rd power divided by the time the ball is thrown and that gave him the accuracy that he needed to throw the ball.
Tony Kornheiser: HAH???
4) Brett Favre has a Texas sized ego.
Packer fans love Adrian Peterson. I never knew why this was until now. Peterson is a humble athlete who a lot of fans can admire because of the way he does his business. It's the same reason Brewers fans don't hate Torii Hunter. Brett Favre is not the same way. Last year, Favre showed just what exactly he really is. He dressed in a separate room for the Jets and didn't do any public functions because in his eyes, he was doing the Jets a favor by playing for them. This is also the same guy who decided to retire two seasons ago for the Packers and then come back at the very last second. The situation was a lot like doing hockey games with Paul Winkels when he would say "Hey Chris, I'm feeling a little sick tonight. Would you like to do play by play." An excited Crishad would say yes, and then Paul would say "Nope, I'm fine." So to add a guy who loves the limelight that much would be a shot and not to mention Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels.
5) Favre gets preferential treatment from EVERYBODY
I mentioned the locker room, but Favre is treated as if he's Jesus. In 2004, my mom and I went to a NFC North Championship game between the Vikings and the Packers. At the end of the first half, the Packers had no timeouts and were driving for a field goal. Favre completed a pass in the middle of the field with three seconds left and was obviously short by a yard or two yards. The refs stopped the clock and got a measurement even though Jabroni Bob in the nosebleeds could tell that the Packers were short. The Packers rushed their field goal unit onto the field and got the field goal they needed. After this, the Packers would win by...you guessed it...three points. Commentators think he can stop time. Did you know that Brett Favre bodyslammed Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III? He even challenged Chuck Norris to a street fight...and Norris declined!
6) Brett Favre chokes in the playoffs.
Super Bowl huh? I know what you're thinking, Favre has a ring. That's fine. But nobody remembers the six interceptions he threw up against the Rams in a playoff game. Nobody remembers that he tried to throw the ball through Corey Webster in the 2008 NFC Championship game when he had a wide open option downfield. The fact of the matter is this. Since Favre won his Super Bowl, he is 4-6 in the playoffs. (By comparison, the Vikings are 5-5, not much better but still they own a win OVER FAVRE in the playoffs from 2004. The infamous moon game.) The bottom line is that when Favre gets jacked up to play, bad things happen. That's why I fear that he'll be so jacked to face the Packers, we'll see a couple Charles Woodson pick sixes and if it happens in the playoffs...gulp.
I realize Favre is a great quarterback. I can respect what he's done, but when it comes to him joining the Vikings, I can't handle that. There's a show on NFL Network called America's Game and they highlight teams that won the Super Bowl and some teams who were great but choked before getting there. So, there was one about the '98 Vikings. John Randle was on there talking about how people viewed Brett Favre. To quote Mr. Randle...
"I got one thing to say about Brett Favre...@#$% Favre!"
Well said.
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