Setting: Monday Night Raw is in Green Bay, Wisconsin tonight. Minnesota Vikings head coach Brad Childress is standing in the ring with QB Sage Rosenfels. Let's listen in.
Childress: Sage, I stand here tonight like a proud father. You've done a good job over the offseason and you really worked hard. And I could not be happier to name you as my new starting quarterback.
J.R.: That's a load of crap. Childress has been recruiting Brett Favre all offseason. What a slimeball.
[Childress hands the microphone over to Sage]
Sage: Coach, I just want to thank you. I haven't had the opportunity to start anywhere I go, but you actually trust me. Miami wanted to start Jay Fiedler over me. Houston got Matt Schaub. But you, you actually forked over enough trust in me to lead your super secret offense filled with one yard pass plays that we will use on 3rd and 5. Just thank you so much.
J.R.: He's walking right into it, King. He must be drinking that purple kool-aid!
[Childress raises Sage's hand as the fans stare on quietly. Hey, this is Green Bay after all. Suddenly, the lights go out and a spotlight is on the stage. A man in a cloak comes out and slowly walks into the ring and stares at Sage. Sage becomes angry.]
Sage: YOU SON OF A BI...
[Before he can spit it out, Childress gives him a low blow and starts wailing on Sage.]
J.R.: WHAT THE HELL??? BRAD CHILDRESS IS PUMMELING HIS QUARTERBACK!!!
[Chilly grabs a steel chair and starts bashing a prone Sage Rosenfels. The crowd goes nuts. Again, this is in Green Bay.]
Childress: You really thought I was going to let you start. You played against a third string defense last night. You could mess up a wet dream for God sake! I've found someone to replace you. The man in this cloak right here. Show yourself!
[The man slowly removes his hood and...]
Brett Favre: IT'S ME GREEN BAY!!! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG GREEN BAY!!!
J.R.: THIS IS JUST SICK!
[The fans are outraged. They throw beer, popcorn, even a dead cow into the ring. Some guy in the nosebleeds has a shotgun. This is bad...]
Favre: YOU BOUGHT IT!!! YOU ALL BOUGHT IT!!! You didn't think that I would just sit at home and drive my tractor did you. I'm back! And Ted Thompson, I'm coming for you!
[The boos continue to rain down on Favre and Childress until Ted Thompson hits the stage. The boos get louder because he's the idiot who let Brett Favre go.]
Thompson: Brett, you don't want to do this. This is Green Bay. This is the Packers. We love you. We all love you. Don't sacrifice these fans after all that they've done for you.
Favre: Really, they turned their back on me! [More boos] They're cheering for Aaron Rodgers for God sake. I can be the only Packer quarterback but you just don't get it. They're all hypocrites. I am their savior! I'm going to a place where I can be worshipped some more!
Thompson: I didn't want to do this Brett, but you've left me no choice. The Green Bay Packers announce the signing of...JOHN RANDLE!!!
J.R.: OH MY GOD!!! JOHN RANDLE IS HERE IN GREEN BAY!!! HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TONIGHT!!!
[John Randle comes out donning a Packer jersey and his face painted in green and gold. He rushes down to the ring. Randle and Favre start slugging it out. Randle gets the upper hand and throws him out of the ring. The crowd is going crazy. More dead cows are thrown...wait one of them is just a fat female Wisconsinite. Mass chaos has ensued.]
Randle: FAVRE! THIS SUNDAY...SUMMERSLAM...YOU...ME....INSIDE A STEEL CAGE!!!
J.R.: WHAT A SLOBBERKNOCKER! THERE WILL BE NO ESCAPE FOR BRETT FAVRE THIS SUNDAY!!!
[Childress and Favre look on terrified as Randle plays to the crowd...]
See, now isn't that more entertaining than watching Brett Favre's limo drive down I-94? I think so.
No comments:
Post a Comment