THE SAVIOR HAS RISEN!!!

Joe Mauer returns to the Minnesota Twins tonight, May 1st, and the millions...and millions of fans will cheer in unison when he comes up to the plate. However, to know where Joe Mauer currently is, we need to see where he has been.

Joeseph Patrick Mauer was born on April 19th, 1983 in St. Paul, Minnesota. Legend has it that he walked out of the womb with a baseball bat in his hand and immediatly grounded to 2nd base. This was just a sign of things to come. 

Mauer lived an interesting childhood. At home, Joe would constantly chug gallons of Land-O-Lakes milk at a time. This would lead to a lucrative endorsement deal with the company because they were actually losing money from Mauer sucking the company dry. Mauer made his first little league team at age 4 and when he was 6, Mauer won the city championship with a walk-off bases empty grand slam. At age 10, he successfully summoned the holy ghost to break up a double play.

I know that a lot of people have made a big deal out of Yovanni Gallardo pitching 7 1/3 scoreless innings and hitting a homerun to pick up the win earlier this week, but Joe Mauer has done things that are even more impressive. In high school, Joe Mauer played all nine positions for all seven innings. This mean after throwing a pitch, Mauer would speed off the pitchers mound to play the ball. Oh and by the way, he threw a perfect game that day.

The more Joe grew, the more incredible he became. Joe would stop a comet from crashing into the earth in 2003. Why didn't anyone hear about this? Well, Joe was moving at the speed of light so many people just assumed that the comet just changed course all the sudden. Joe also stood up to Brett Favre and told him to "suck it." Favre threatened to destroy him with his laser rocket arm, but knew that if he tried Joe would have smacked it right into his face with his quick swing (no pun intended). Honorable mention was that Joe invented time travel, stopped the Civil War, World War I, and World War II all in the same day by just showing up in the middle of the battlefield, bouncing a couple bullets off his chest and screaming "HEY!"

Joe is even the natural aphrodesiac. Joe has convinced the entire female population of Minnesota that nothing would be better than to round the bases with him, so to speak. Yes, anyone who is strappingly handsome and swings a giant stick of lumber around is definately a keeper in the books of many women.

So Joe Mauer will return tonight in all his glory with new theme music, a giant boulder in front of the dugout (which will be rolled away), and a choir singing hallelujah. Now, can he stay healthy? Only time will tell, because that is the key to the Minnesota Twins season.